Bye 2020

 Farewell to the dying embers of 2020.

and to all - a gentler 2021

         Do not go gentle into that good night.

        Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

      

        The words of Dylan Thomas come to mind today as I walk through the     cemetery with its unimpeded views and socially distanced, unobtrusive     inhabitants.  The very old, the very young , the soldiers, the everyday     citizens - mothers, fathers, grandparents, great grandparents. The Asians, the Christians, the Muslims, the Jews, those without denominations but whose names reveal their ethnicities if not their religions.

         I see people sitting in the grass visiting . Others stroll through the gentle rolling hills, masked.  We wave or otherwise acknowledge our mutual, still living presence.

        Almost all the trees have either shed their leaves or no longer display their vibrant autumn yellows, reds, russets, burnt sienna. Winter is here, even though I am perspiring.

        Tomorrow is the solstice.  And according to astronomers and astrologers there is a profound Jupiter-Saturn great conjunction that has not been seen for 800 years.  Apparently we are  moving from the age of Pisces into the age of Aquarius.  I am certainly no expert in any of these fields, but it is obvious we are in a profound time of death and rebirth.  Nature tells us all we have to know, but so does the entire state of our planet.  Old forms are dying, old ways struggle mightily and forcefully to continue.  And nothing and noone, it seems, is going gently into that good night.

    Our orange haired monster together with his Dracula counsel are certainly neither modelling grace nor dignity.

     The virus that changed our world at the beginning of the year seems to be getting worse all over our planet. It has the better of us.

    On top of it all, the air quality here in the East Bay is not good. 

    Still, I enjoyed my walk. Still I am in close touch with family and friends.

    Still the sun rises and sets.

    Still I enjoy spectacular sunsets every single evening.

Some Things

 Since the spider incident I have not posted.  I will attempt to post a few paintings I have done this year.

sunset over Mt. Tam - pastels

pastel of a friend's garden

Jess' garden in Cornwall, oil 

Oil of sunset over Mt. Tam - during fires

oil.  Hibiscus in my garden

watercolour  Sunset

oil - kitchen in Saxonwold

Many more pastels and watercolours of sunsets - just haven't posted them all.

This is what has sustained me during these covid times.

Yet Another Dreadful Incident

 And this one - two days before Thanksgiving.  I suppose this is in keeping with the general theme of this year.

The night before last  I opened my fridge for some inspiration.  I forgot I had purchased a bottle of organic vegetable mix.  Ahah - what a good idea I thought - a bloody Mary before dinner.  I haven't had one in years.  I poured some vodka into a glass and opened the bottle of organic vegetable mix, pleased with the healthy sounding ingredients.  I poured it into my glass and saw a kind of lump - small and dark, that plopped together with the juice into the glass.  Hmm, I thought - the juice is smooth and uniform - better check this out, maybe it is like an organic parsley leaf or some other of the many vegetables.  I used a spoon to take it out and - absolute horror of horrors - it looked like an insect - a spider or something.  OMG - this is unbelievable (back to my favorite overused word).  I put it into a small ziploc bag closing my eyes and poured out the juice, and sadly, the vodka.  Any desire for a bloody mary had dissipated swiftly. I placed the bottle and the creature into a bag which I would take back to Trader Joe's the next day.  

After standing in line I marched to customer service and placed the offensive items on the counter. When a smiling woman came to help she looked at the bottle and said, 'that's not ours.'  Then she looked at the critter and shuddered - 'that's a spider.'  

Oh my, apparently in the fog of everything I forgot where I bought it.  I apologised and went back to my car.  Ahh, I remembered, Luckys/Albertsons/Luckys. Must have bought it there.  Off to Luckys and along to customer service.  I took out the bottle and the offensive critter. The masked woman took one look, then looked away and said - 'do you want to replace the bottle?"

"No, I don't. I am scared." She gave me a refund and I asked whether I should leave the critter there so she could show it to whomever it needed to be shown.  She averted her gaze and said "take it away. Take a photo and send it to the makers of the juice. '  She gave me a number for customer support.

When I reached home I realised I had suppressed the name of the makers - it was irretrievable in my fog.This is my last mention of this most unfortunate occurrence.  I may never buy organic anything again.

Whatever

 I really don't know what title to give to this post.  I believe somewhere along the line during this year of 2020 I may have mentioned that I basically have a two word vocabulary - unbelievable and horrendous.

The other day while walking around the Marina with a friend we discussed the latest horror shows since the election.  The orange monster's refusal to concede, his Dracula-like lawyer making ridiculous claims, the populace who actually believe this nonsense.  She said it is 'unbelievable' and I responded saying that was my word of choice - sadly, no more.  I find it horrifyingly believable.  What for me is more unbelievable is that Biden did actually win, in other words, a few million more than the 70 + million who voted for the monster did vote for the voice of sanity and democracy.  Unbelievable that many people do wear masks and don't think Covid 19 is a hoax.  Unbelievable is the fact that there really are those who take precautions, who care about the people around them.  

All the other horrors that beset our every waking moment are now believable.

This is how democracy dwindles and vanishes.  Please, let us not allow it to happen.

Phew

 I can breathe again.  We all can breathe again.

Phew, phew, phew

It Is Not Over

 We all know to what I refer.  The election results are not over, and won't be over until they are over.  And, sadly, if anyone is surprised about this then they have been existing in a state of denial.

First and foremost.  I always said that the election of the orange haired monster did NOT come out of the blue (pardon the use of the word blue here), and that he is not an anomaly.  Sadly he is a projection of much of America and the shadow side of many americans.  We do not like to face this.  

Here in p.c. Berkeley we are NOT racist, we are NOT capitalist pigs, we are NOT right wing bigots.  We care deeply about everyone and everything.  So much so that if anyone arrives to speak for, or about, the 'other' side, we will violently kick them out.  We post our Black Lives Matter posters proudly in our mostly white areas.  We refer to the Latinx as a monolithic non gendered whole and assume they are all politically to the left of centre and cannot understand why they would be any different from our righteous point of views.  We do NOT have a sense of humour and take deep offence at any truly innocent remarks  or observations.  I have found it quite difficult living in this dry, humourless, and self righteous environment. 

And what is more, I have felt like this ever since arriving here - 40 years ago!!!!!  And yet,  here I am ....And of course I have found many friends and people here that I love dearly.  It is a place in which I feel at home. 

 I remember my initial shock and disbelief when I first began working in East Contra Costa County.  I described my impressions in my book "Tree Barking."  But after working in these communities I certainly began to experience another side of America.  And racism, fear, mistrust, and bigotry exist in every community, no matter the religion or the colour, of the people who live in them.  

We are as not as highly evolved as we would like to think, and our primary reactions are based on fear and mistrust.

My diatribe is over.  What I want to say is that, if and when Biden gets the requisite electoral college and is sworn in, there won't be a sweeping miraculous change.  True change will take a lot of work on behalf of all of us.  We like to engage in magical thinking 

"When Biden is elected ......  miracles will happen.  Fear and hatred will vanish"

 "When there is a vaccine ..... miracles will happen, covid will be gone. Life will go back to normal

Sorry, everyone, magic does not happen.  Change does, and will happen, but not in an instant.

Another Unfortunate Incident

 It would seem that in the recent weeks I have had ghastly encounters with denizens of the underworld. This is probably indicative of my present state of mind. 

I, like everyone else, I am sure - am dealing with the stress and anxiety of these upcoming elections and all the attendant hideousness that we are bombarded with.  This is on top of the pandemic, the economy, the state of the world, fires, toxic air - on and on and on.

So first was my unfortunate accident with the turkey - him not quite a denizen of the underworld, but pretty damn close.

Then came this - on Saturday night while preparing for bed (i.e. getting into my pyjamas) I noticed a strange somewhat disturbing odor in my bedroom. It seemed to be localized to a specific area, near my air purifier. I was somewhat puzzled and walked around the room sniffing.  I thought that possibly my new neighbours had used some kind of fertilizer in their garden.  When I went outside however, there was no such smell.  Back inside I tested my carpet for dampness (I had bad leaks last year) - but there was none. Besides which, we have had nothing resembling rain, it was really merely a thought.  I turned on the air purifier and went to sleep.

Sunday night the same thing - a very bad smell, but different to the smell of a dead animal. Whatever it was, it was not good.  Monday mornings are my days for a walk with a friend. (strenuous climb this Monday).  During the walk I told her about the smell, and on our return she came in to smell.  She also noticed something in the same general area I had localised whatever was going on.  Like a pair of bloodhounds we sniffed around and looked around, but nothing looked awry - no suspicious droppings.  Maybe it is from underneath the room, she said.  Now, at this moment in time my landlords are in Palm Springs, blissfully unaware of my discomfort.  It won't help to email them, firstly they would probably suggest the smell is from me (they enjoy sarcasm), then they would ask how on earth they could help while they are sunning themselves far away.

My friend left and I continued my unpleasant explorations.  I had placed a soft white blanket on the floor next to my bed after last week's yoga session. Neatly folded and flat - I picked it up and unfolded it and to my absolute shock and horror I saw quite a large mouse entangled in the fluff - it looked quite dead.  I do not do well with mice and their ilk.  I dashed out of my house shaking and dry heaving. Oh goodness - what could I do. Never go back inside again? Get into my car and drive away to heaven knows where, abandoning everything.  No neighbours to ask for help, no landlords, no gardeners, no housecleaners - no living beings. I had to deal with this - but what to do? I went back inside  and very carefully, so that I could neither see the corpse, nor drop it inside, I lifted the blanket.  Outside in the garden I shook out the blanket - nothing came out.  I shook again, nothing - that little creature's claws were in the fluff. A broom didn't dislodge it.  Back inside I went for paper towels and a paper bag.  Somehow, I don't know how I managed, I pried the thing and dropped it in the bag and ran to the garbage bin.  Then I washed the blanket a several times, cleaned my house from top to bottom (I do this quite often, I have to say) but I did it again.  Sprinkled disinfectant and lavender oil and opened doors and windows  then I sat outside feeling disoriented and sick. That night I did not sleep - each time I closed my eyes I could see that dark thing curled up on white fluff.

It is now 2 days later - an exterminator came yesterday, but neither of us saw any signs of any other creatures at this time.  He did say that as I am in the basement, directly to the outside, I should keep my doors closed.  When the air is good they are open.

One dilemma after another.

Here is a painting I did over the weekend (dark).

A Most Unfortunate Incident

 Saturday dawned with a reasonably low number  in the green area on all my air quality apps.

Well, hardly dawned  as I am never up before or with dawn.  However, during the morning all three of my apps displayed green breathable air.  Never one to miss such a rare occurrence I headed off for the Berkeley Marina. I drove along San Pablo Avenue at about 11.30 a.m. There was a fairly large amount of traffic, and just before Marin Avenue I noticed that ahead of me cars were slowing and jostling into the left hand lane.  Of course I followed suit.  Just as was about to enter the left side I saw what was slowing the traffic - the resident University Village wild turkeys were crossing the avenue - they don't use traffic lights or pedestrian walkways. Suddenly I heard a thump and a squawk and I looked to my left. I hit a turkey who was just out of my line of sight. The turkey flew up with a squawk looking like a comic book illustration of an alarmed turkey in flight trailing a couple of feathers behind it!

Alarmed and somewhat shaken I continued driving and moved back to the right lane. At the red light on Monroe a silver Honda drove up next to me - its window was down, so I lowered my window. A couple were looking at me smiling -

"I hit a turkey," I said at the same time as the man said to me "you hit a turkey."  

"I don't know what to do" and he said, "you knocked out a few feathers, he'll survive" and he gave me a thumbs up and drove away laughing.

I continued onward to the Marina fully expecting a gaggle of turkeys to come squawking after me, or a police man, or a traffic cop.

In the end, with nothing and no one behind me I silently offered healing to the unfortunate turkey and do hope he survives.

Uninspired

It has been three weeks since the day that wasn't day.

Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur have come and gone. I think we enjoyed maybe two weeks of fresh air. Thing is, I have lost count of days, of fires, of breathable air, unhealthy air, of pre-election anxiety, or rather fear.

But today I believe is Thursday, smokey unhealthy air, hot outside, visibility - all is grey, and again, my plants, the car, table and chairs on my deck - all covered in a light dusting of ash. Today is the day I take out the garbage and recycle bins.

Today feels tedious, uninspiring, but I decided I must do something.  Small accomplishment is a watercolour of the fiery sunsets - and now, an uninspired and uninspiring blog entry. Someone said my recent entries are gloom and doom - well - really, what an immense surprise that was to me. And this was said to me before that dreadful debacle of what was supposed to have been a debate.

The services I zoomed into on Yom Kippur were yet another reminder of the collective horror that has come to us.  At the same time they were heartfelt and uplifting in that there is strength in prayer, and a sense of community despite our isolation.  Maybe, just maybe - a hint of optimism?

The end of days?

 

The photo on the left taken at 7.30 a.m, facing east, the photo on the righ at 12.00 p.m. facing west.

Yesterday's morning sun which I thought was eerie until I awoke to night to day.

I am at a loss for words - other than unbelievable and horrendous.  I will post 3 watercolour pictures I have painted of sunsets since the start of the fires. 

Apologies to Monty Python

I had a coughing fit in Trader Joe's the other day - I was petrified I would be thrown out bodily.  I tried to hide in the vitamin and health products aisle. I suppressed my cough and prayed that my mask was muffling the sound. Better to sound like I am choking than - gasp - coughing!

This morning I awoke to the same grey hazy sky.    I opened my front door and smelled smoke.  I closed my front door and went to open the back door hoping the other side of the house may be different!  Nope, of course not - wishful thinking.  Smokey air, smokey air, smokey air.  The same awful news on the radio.  The same terribly depressing headlines only today made far worse by the travesty of Nancy Pelosi getting her hair shampooed and blow dried while we cower indoors. Nothing new.

There and then I decided to look at the bright side of life.  For this reason I have entitled this entry "Apologies to Monty Python."  

I remember Brian nailed to the crucifix singing 'Here's looking on the bright side of life ."

I too, am now looking on the bright side.  "I do not have covid 19 - my sense of smell is fine.  What unbridled joy."

 

Overview

This morning I received a whats app from my sister.  Someone narrates that Netanyahu has to go - enough of his narcissism, his insatiable greed, his lies, his corruption, his manipulations, his put down of the 'radical left', his betrayals, his control over the henchmen he has appointed ...........

Everything could be, and is, synonymous with our orange monster and his henchmen, with Kim Jong-un, with Lukashenko, Putin, Erdogan, Modi, and on, and on ...... ad nauseum.

As I said in my entry entitled Acquiescence,  everything and everyone is interconnected, and that is one of our lessons to be realised in this pandemic.  

I know I have struggled mightily lately to keep afloat with all that surrounds us, compounded by the fires and the noxious air.

Yes, everything is interconnected - and all over the world we see male leaders united in their quest for power and absolute control, for avarice, for utter contempt of the planet and its inhabitants.  It is not just our orange monster - 

We are in the midst of a major paradigm shift - a desperate struggle between power over vs. power within, dominion.

So we are witness to a planetary movement  - protests, strikes.  People are uniting to denounce racism, corruption, greed - people are rising up to demand justice - the right to health care, to education, to unpolluted food and water, the right to breathe, the right to live!

These desperate leaders bring out their military might to crush opposition, but I can see and feel and know it will not be crushed.  We are in the midst of an enormous transition.  We feel now as if we are moving blindfolded, in the dark. We do not see signs, there are no roadmaps, we don't know where we are going, we are lost in the wilderness. But there is a massive change fomenting.  And we are all part of it. Each of us has a role to play, the farmers, the labourers,  the fishermen, the teachers, the doctors, the nurses, the parents, the artists, the actors, the poets - and each of us is working to change to the best of our own abilities. And it is not easy, and we get depressed and feel hopeless and scared.  We feel abandoned and alone.  We are in unknown territory.  We lose faith and will.

BUT we cannot lose that glimmer of light, of hope.  There will be a change, and if not in our lifetimes, in those of our children and grandchildren.  

Things will not be same as before, 'as soon as there is a vaccine."   That is an illusion propagated by the monsters who think the millions they are pouring into looking for a cure will 'fix' everything and the world will continue as greedily and thoughtlessly as before. 

I don't believe there will be a quick fix  the novel coronavirus. I don't believe there will be a quick fix with a different government.  This undercurrent of change will go on - and eventually there will be some light.

I do believe there is an overview of all that is happening now. Hopefully lessons will be learned, and things will be different.

Our new normal

 

This is our new normal - three years in a row (or more).  Three years of enormous, deadly, catastrophical, unprecedented fires brought upon by climate change and our way of life - moving into wilderness areas, urban spread.

Our new normal happens earlier each year, and lasts longer.   

This year we have learned some new terms - mitigation, herd immunity, flattening the curve, - some new ways of being - isolated, socially distanced, masked

My vocabulary has catastrophically decreased

Unbelievable

horrendous

and a very appropriate word in Hebrew "hazui"  which means hallucinatory

This is for the most part, all I have to say.

Of course to top it all we are in the midst of a pandemic

Condensed version of the first couple of days of this week

 It has been very hot - unusual for August.  Hot and humid.  MOST unusual.

I watered my little bit of earth Saturday evening.  Early Sunday morning I was awakened by what I took for deer outside my window making rather a racket.  Then I heard rain - RAIN in mid August.  Thunder, lightning, absolutely unheard of.  But indeed, this happened.

The stifling heat has continued. I do what I learned to do in Israel, when we didn't have airconditioners. Pull down shades and make everything dark as possible.  Open up the house when the sun goes down.  And the sun goes down in a  breathtaking fashion.

Yesterday I took my car to the car wash.  This morning I awoke to the stifling heat with streaming eyes and the smell of .... smoke, ash.  I decided to go for a walk at the Berkeley Marina where at least there may be somewhat of a cool breeze.  My clean car was covered in ash. I made a futile attempt to wipe it off  While doing so the driver in a car coming down Stockton stopped next to me.  An Indian gentleman said "ash because of the fires. Bad air because of the fires."  He is right - I nodded sympathetically and we wished each other well.

I arrived at the Marina and parked my car.  A woman was just getting into her car in front of me.

"Lord," she said. "It is hot - go by the bayside. Also, you can't see nothing - the air is so bad." I nodded sympathetically, and she continued.  "My son is near Japan on the Ronald Reagan," the man in the White House doesn't know what he's doing. A ripple from Japan comes across the pond toward us. 

What he doin? Building walls - taking breasting babies from their mothers. It aint right. Sending those border police to cities, helicopters on us?  It aint right. And now the Post Office - and all them black people being killed by the cops, and everyone sick and dying. It aint right."

What his daughter and Melania doin"? What they know?"

I kept nodding in acquiescence - but each time I opened my mouth (under my mask) to say something, she carried on.  Her mask was under her chin, as she had finished her walk - perhaps it was easier for her to speak.  Also, I agreed with every single thing she said.  

She got ready to get in her car. As she opened the door I said "we have to vote."

"Right she said," turning on the car, 'and we got to keep on laughin.'

"Take care," I waved as she left.

It is wednesday - the week is far from over.

 

Malaise

I am not sure whether anyone is reading my posts.  If there is someone out there in the ether, you may have noticed that recently there have been no new entries.  I feel that I am experiencing somewhat of a covid-induced malaise.  It is not a true depression, but I am definitely not gliding along on a pink cloud of joy and happiness.

Objectively there isn't much to feel optimistic about.  This pandemic continues unabated, and I think the reality of what is happening cannot be absorbed all at one time. But every few days a little more sinks in. I speak to family and friends in Israel.  I was supposed to go there in April - when we realised that was not going to happen I thought I would visit around Rosh Hashanah.  That is obviously not going to happen - and maybe not next April either - who knows when.  

A cousin in South Africa had a knee replacement and I had entertained thoughts of going there to help. I am comforted that she does have support of family and friends - but the fact is she is far away.

Our world has changed, and is changing, and we do not have any roadmaps, either on a personal or a global level.  My dreams show me how I am floundering - an ongoing theme of having to go somewhere that is familiar, but now nothing looks the same and I just can't find my way. None of the roads I knew are quite the same as I had remembered, and they don't arrive at wherever it is I want to go.

I have had night time hallucinations of someone standing at the foot of my bed looking like a cross between a masked alien and an insect.  I also dreamed of a big dog swallowing my mask. I heard the dog gulp it down and called the vet who said it will cost me $5,000 to operate.  I was quite desperate as I did not have the money, or if I did spend it,  I would have nothing left.

Unmistakably themes of anxiety!

And I feel increasingly anxious as the orange monster sends out storm troops to cities, threatens to postpone elections, on and on.  Democracy hangs in the balance. Climate change (which doesn't exist) is threatening our very existence.  

OK - I get it.  Of course I am experiencing a malaise, to be out singing and dancing from the rooftops would be delusional.  To top it all, I think I should be expressing non stop gratitude for my situation, which is, in fact, not so bad.  After all, I do have a home, I can pay my rent, I do have friends and family, I am back in art class, I do have food -  yes, I am grateful, but not ecstatic!

Sorry. 

Dipping my toes

Recently I have begun my first teetering tottering steps toward venturing into the world outside of my immediate surroundings. i

The first time felt like when I walk on hot sand on a beach. Waves foam onto the sand, then recede, leaving tiny little holes in the wet sand.  It looks  inviting, so I  tentatively dip my toes  into the water, and a feeling akin to pain and shock moves up from the soles of my feet, and I quickly step back onto the hot sand. Again I put in my whole foot, then the other one, and then ... with a gasp I run in and dunk my whole body and stand up feeling refreshed and exhilarated.

Well, this is a bit of an exaggeration - I have not put in my whole body as yet, but yes, my toes are testing the water.

My cousin invited me to an outdoor dinner in her lovely garden in the Berkeley Hills.

It took a while for me to decide whether or not to go -

'Where has she been, who has she seen? Has she had any contacts with people outside of her family?  - I began an intensive interrogation.  After deciding I would go I drove up into the hills wearing a  down jacket and socks because the evening was turning into a typical summer evening here in the Bay Area - cold and foggy.

Three of us sat  at appropriate social distances around the table, shivering, drinking wine and eating her always delicious food.  The evening was delightful. When I left the fog had socked in and I hadn't driven at night in such a long time.  As I wound my way down the hills there seemed to be an uncommon amount of animal life, deer, raccoons, skunks. 

I recently finished all my knitting projects and was eager to embark on a new project - a sweater.  But of course, yarn shops are only open for curbside pickup. If there is one thing I HAVE to feel before I buy it, it is yarn, so I resigned to wait until shops would reopen.

Now there is a marked uptick in infections and quite obviously shops will not be open for a long time. A friend sent me a link to a service offered to knitters - I could arrange for a face time appointment to look at yarns.  I decided I would try it, and it turned out to be a pleasant experience and I purchased yarn and went to pick it up curbside a few days later.  I was really apprehensive - what if the texture and the colour both weren't OK.  I parked outside the shop, donned my mask, knocked on the door and a hand appeared from behind the door and handed me a bag.  Muffled exchanges of greetings and thanks, back into the car and I took out a skein  -  perfect! The colour is lovely and the yarn indeed felt soft and inviting, just as I had requested.

Maybe this new life will work!

Before The Sickness Came

On one of my neighbourhood walks last Friday I met a mother and her three year old daughter. The mother and I spoke about the problem of gophers.  She told me that when she plants her shrubs she puts them in wire cages underground  Apparently this keeps the gophers out, for the most part. However, her daughter loves to see the gophers, and mom feels a bit bad about what she has done.  Her daughter went to a pre-school, she told me, and she is not sure what is going to happen now.  Suddenly the daughter interjected and said

"before the sickness came"

Yes, of course, the sickness has changed our lives over the past few months.  But the great sickness that has befallen us started very long ago.  And I am talking about the sickness of racism, hatred, social injustice, economic inequality.

I grew up under apartheid and every single day of my life I was witness to, and a participant in, the regime.  I grew up seeing people brutalised because of the colour of their skin.  I grew up under fear of the regime, and what they did to dissidents.  I chose to leave, fondly imagining that there were places that were different. That people were free to live as they pleased.

I went to Israel and discovered hatred and fear also, and I am not even talking about the hatred and fear of the Arabs.  The Sephardic Jews did not like the Ashkenazi Jews, the German Jews looked down on the Russian Jews, the Sabras (native born Israelis) looked askance at the immigrants.  The secular hate the religious.  And the hatred and fear of the Arabs did not unite the Jews.

When I lived in England I was spat upon and called a 'foreigner.'

Granted, none of these countries had an Apartheid regime.

Then I came to America and worked in low income communities outside the cosy, politically correct, immediate bubble of the Bay Area.

Hatred, ignorance, fear I came to realise, are apparently endemic to human nature.

The opposite is true as well, and we can learn to recognise and acknowledge our prejudices, and listen to others and understand them.  We can even learn to live productively together.

My hope is that with the ongoing protests of the killing of George Floyd, and against the police brutality and inequalities of our lives, that we will begin to see some change.

 I saw this sign on today's walk, and hope that it is right, for every aspect of our lives.

Before the Corona Came

Anyone who knows me is aware that I like children. 

On my daily walks I have come across what appears to be a lovely nuclear family who live just a block away.  From the time I first saw them we have shared smiles and waves as I cross to the other side of the street.

Two days ago I walked their way and saw the boy and the girl on the pavement outside their home. Of course we waved and smiled.  Then the girl said to me "we are building an obstacle course."
The garage door was open and inside were rope ladders attached to poles, a swing, some hoops.  Mom stood outside tugging at some object she was obviously going to set up inside.

I smiled and said something like 'this is lovely,' and the little girl said to me, "before the corona came we used to go to a gym."

That sentence broke my heart - which seems to be easily broken these days.  I looked at mom and said "oh my goodness, before the corona came" and we smiled wanly at each other. Dad came outside and I continued on my way, waving bye, and dad said "we'll be here tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day.

They are 5 and 7 years of age respectively.  Old enough to have strong solid memories of the world "before the corona came."  Their worlds have changed as drastically and as irrevocably as all of our worlds have changed.

We all know of the world 'before the corona came' but none of us are aware of what the world will be like afterward - if there ever is an afterward .......

Covid Continues

I was a little ill over the weekend (NOT the virus, apparently there are other things) and so was out of commission.

I resumed my walks a few days ago, but walked through the flatlands. Today it was back into the hills and look what I found.  So uplifting.

As car washes have reopened, off I went to my local car wash.  After the cashier and I exchanged pleasantries - him at the joy of being back to work, I began the drive into the tunnel of flashing lights and jets of water.  OMG - I almost forgot what to do - close windows, car in neutral, foot off brake - so much to do at once!  Then it was off to fill up - mask, gloves, petrol pump - what to do next? My sluggish brain began to reset.  I realised I am absolutely unprepared for the rigours of the world outside my house and its immediate surroundings.

A strange push/pull has begun.  There are those who want life to return to 'normal.'  It is hard to fathom that, in fact, it will never return to what was.  And of course, our idiot and his cohorts continue to model their defiance and arrogance.  No masks on visits to clinics and factories!!!!!! Demonstrate for your 'freedom' and 'rights' without any regard to the rational voices of science, or to our fellow human beings.

OK, enough, rant over.

For the most part I have eschewed listening to news or even watching TV, other than as a background evening distraction - I love the nature shows as  well as those on the origins and culture of the Pacific Islanders, the Pomo Indians and so on.

So, that is where I am now, as life with covid continues ......

Covid 19 Slump

This week has been a tough one for me.

I think it was Saturday (totally unclear of days) that I didn't want to do a thing.  No walk, no hula hoop, no painting, no writing, no reading, no netflix, no news (that is fine) - no cooking, no anything.

I sat outside on my little deck and waited for the humming bird to come to the feeder - he didn't come.

Again, days or the markings of days unclear.  On Sunday I received whats apps from people in Israel as Yom Hazikaron would be taking place.  At least I could find a reason for feeling down, as if 6-7 weeks in isolation, and the general uncertainty of absolutely everything were not enough.  Of course I am down. Yom Hazikaron is coming up - I should be in Israel, with family and friends. I should be going to the alternative Ceremony in the evening and Kibbutz Ein Dor that day. 

But if I looked even further under - it is for me a complete existential crisis. 

"What is this all about?"

The pain of sitting with nothing. I could look for distractions;  zoom, texts, classes, music.  Just distractions.

What is underneath everything? money, security, partners, children, creativitiy, all the constructs we create and place our hope and trust in?

This is the time for me to go in deep and under.

I do accept this.

Random isolation musings

It is the small things that bring me joy

For instance, just before Pesach I made myself a cup of tea and wondered what to have with it, nothing felt appealing until I remembered with unbridled joy that I had ordered Ouma Rusks from the African Hut.  These are rusks from my childhood. Dipped in tea it is nothing less than heaven, (for me.)

Eating  rusks, spreading marmite on my toast, and loving my cream of wheat for breakfast is just part of my regression that I wrote about previously.  I was overjoyed (again - small things) to read that it is not just me, America is buying up comfort foods, the canned and boxed processed foods from their childhood, and of course drinking alcohol, in vast quantities, ice cream etc.

Another joy making episode. I have been knitting a sweater for several months now.  The photo on pattern made it appear like rather a simple, but lovely sweater.  Well, it turned out the pattern was translated from some slavic language, and was not apparently translated very well.  I attended knitting labs (a genius bar for knitters) at my local yarn store.  Of course this has been shut down. I struggled unsuccessfully to remember how I had picked up stitches for a sleeve.  Of course I looked at several You Tube tutorials, and it just wasn't working, causing me much frustration. After a few frustrating evenings I decided to look at one more tutorial - no sooner did the woman begin her demonstration than something clicked immediately. I turned off the video and am now happily knitting again.
.
Another joy making event.  I went on a 6' apart walk with my 'daughter.'  Every day on my walks I walk up or down or around a new street.  At some point during the walk I noticed large expanses of green slopes.  I had no idea what that was - she told me it is a cemetery.  I have lived in this area for going on 30 years and had NO idea there was a cemetery here.  I always saw the mortuary at the top of Fairmount Avenue but I thought it was just a crematorium and had no idea there was a beautiful cemetery behind it!

What joy, I love cemeteries.  It is really beautifully landscaped with magnificent vistas, and quiet unobtrusive inhabitants.

More joy:  When I am washing the dishes sometimes the dishsoap lathers up and little rainbow bubbles float around

The Habad Rabbi coming before Pesach with a Matza Shmura and offers of help for shopping, etc.

And some of the delightful whimsical things I see on my walks

Covid 19 Insanity

The above photos are of beloved paintings which we grew up with.  My memory is that my parents brought them home with them after one of their trips overseas.  They were in a layover in Nairobi and bought them at the airport. My brother and sister each have a different memory of the exact provenance. The one shared memory is that they were bought somewhere in Africa and put up in our home in South Africa.

My parents took them with when they moved from South Africa to Israel and put them on the wall of a room in their flat in North Tel Aviv. After my dad died my mother moved twice again and carefully wrapped them and took them with her. 

After she died my brother and I chose things we could bring back  to our homes on either coast of America.  My sister kept the 'heavy' things, like the furniture, cutlery, etc.  It was an amicable arrangement.

I kept these paintings in the same newspaper my mother had carefully wrapped them in until I moved to my latest home.  I put them on the wall in my study/den/guest bedroom/ office. I used command strips instead of nails.  I had bought them from Bed Bath and Beyond or Joann's or Ace Hardware - they all carry them, and they have been there for 3 years.  Yesterday I saw that two pictures had fallen behind the sofa. I retrieved them and removed the old strips and looked in my storage for spare strips.  Oh woe, I did not have any extras and I absolutely had to put these pictures back, NOW. I read on the Nextdoor site that Joann's was still open.  I checked online and they were open until 5 p.m. It was now 3.55 p.m.  And so began my frantic internal dialogue - 'should I risk my life by going to Joann's, or should I wait it out until?  ........ Who knows until when? It could be months still, years even, the rest of my life .....????'

I decided I had to risk my life and hopefully I won't endanger others. I will go to Joann's with gloves, my mask, hand sanitizer.  Off I went and drove to El Cerrito Plaza and what did I see  --

a long line - a very long line of masked people - it snaked almost back to BART.  My mind was made up for me, I turned around and came home and ordered some from Amazon! 

More Covid 19 thoughts

I have no idea of how long this new way of living has been going on for. As I said in a previous entry, everything is becoming a blur. I do know that every now and then during a day, or an evening, or a morning, after I wake, that it  strikes me that we are all in an entirely different world. And it happened so very fast.  We are living in a PANDEMIC. The word itself is not quite real, it comes from a world of illusion - movies, science fiction,  how does it even pertain to the world we inhabited just a short while ago.

I have donated masks which I ordered after our horrendous fires - and yes, the fires will come again, lets not forget that!

I handsewed a mask which I will don when I next venture out. Life in my lovely home is OK, I have beautiful views, I can still go on walks outside, which I do.  Spring is here and things don't look so unreal. The other morning I decided to drive into Berkeley, and after I returned to my sanctuary I realized that I was quite depressed from what I saw, or rather, didn't see.  Closed shops, masked gloved people in a line outside Trader Joe's and Target.  No people - just the ubiquitous homeless, and their encampment near the freeway on frontage road looks the same. Filthy, cluttered, bicycle parts, overturned shopping carts, dogs, an occasional bedraggled looking soul.

The apocalypse is upon us.

But for me it is the smallest most ridiculous things that make my day, like yesterday - a cold, rainy day.  I felt like something with a cup of tea, but wasn't sure what I wanted until I remembered that I had ordered Ouma rusks from the African Hut and they arrived last week.  What joy, what happiness, what excitement.  It doesn't take much.

And now I think of the Seder.  Easily condensed - only one question is necessary and the youngest doesn't have to ask because they wouldn't know. This present is all they know and they love it - being with family all the time.

How is this night different from all other nights?

Easy peasyl

And we don't need 10 plagues  - one is sufficient - dayenu!

We are still in bondage - to Covid 19. We have to be in bondage, to save us all.

When the time for freedom and liberation comes, we will know.  It is not upon us yet.

nailed it

Lets check, the up/down/around/ loading of pictures.

The following (hopefully) are from some of my walks:

Yahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Grateful thanks to Mike Dobson

Coronarial Days

Soooooooooooooooooooooo frustrated, because I thought I had at last nailed how to download (upload) whatever load, photos to my blog.  Now I have lost it again.

OK, so a post without pictures.  Hopefully there will eventually be some photos, because this spring is magnificent.

These strange days, as I have said - I awake and do not know the day, or the date, nothing really seems to matter.  Once again time has lost - for me anyway - the meaning it had before.  This strange new way of being seems to have been going on for ever, and it is all in the now. The news of the spread of the virus, and the numbers of the infected and the dead change by the minute, along with the most recent states and countries affected.

The other day, instead of going on my usual constitutionals, always to a new area of course, I found a playing field not too far from here.  I walked down the steps to the field and started walking around and around.  I saw the same faces walking round, just like me, but everyone seemed to be avoiding me, like I had the plague or something.  Then it dawned on me - it IS the plague, this is our new reality, and this is social distancing.  One sees a fellow human and walks around, avoiding them.

As I walked around I started to wonder whether this is a form of insanity - like a rat, around and around in circles, with no treat in sight, except for this high step count on my phone! 

Ye Gods and little Englishmen - I will try again ...............

Tales of Covid19

I have been busy today - since my very late rising. (more of that later)

Yesterday on the Nextdoor site there were requests for masks.  During the most recent fires I ordered both an air filter and 2 boxes of N95 masks.  No sooner did I receive both items than the air cleared.  I packed the masks away in a storage area knowing there will be more fires.  Of course I had no idea there would be a pandemic.

On the site there were a few places one can donate masks to.  I emailed both sites, and still have not heard back from either.  This morning, while drinking my coffee I received a text message from a friend from the kibbutz to ask if we can speak.  Immediately I called him, and he told me that he is on  a whats app group with people from his age group on the kibbutz who live in the states.  One of them is a girl (woman of course) who is a home occupational therapist in my area.  She asked whether they had masks as Kaiser is not giving them any because there aren't any!  Firstly I knew exactly who he was talking about (that too is another story), and of course I could give her masks,  I would be delighted to. He gave her my phone number and she called within the hour.  We arranged for her to pick them up. She texted me from outside the house and I went up the driveway with the sealed masks which I had put into a paper bag. I handed them over. We mutually gave each other virtual hugs, then she brought out a loaf of bread which she makes, (in a plastic bag) and handed it to me.   I hadn't expected anything at all, but was so touched.  I also thought how all this is, as I have said, like a dystopian movie in which people cannot be in contact with anyone and we barter goods and services.


The only other time I emerged today was when my daughter came with the groceries she had bought for me from Trader Joe's.

I haven't gone on my walk because it is cold and rainy - ideal weather for the delicious vegetable soup I made, along with a slice of her bread, which is really excellent.  Organic sourdough, fresh from the oven.

I had made a large pot of soup and doled out some for my landlords and left it on their back porch. We are like moles appearing quickly out of our holes, then back down we go.  If we do pass people on the pavement or the street we cross to the other side, avoiding each other like the plague, which is exactly what this is.

A week? two? three? forever?

I am totally losing track of time.   Our world has changed completely and utterly in such a very short space of time.  I think all the inhabitants are in a state of shock, anxiety, and re-adjustment.  No one really has any idea of how long this will last, who has been infected, how they will survive.

For me this is so eerily similar to the outbreak of the Yom Kippur War when our world completely changed at 2o' clock on the afternoon of the 6th October 1973.

I remember how it was then, to wake up from a night's sleep having been, for that time, in a different state of consciousness.  Then, as one awakens and returns to their present state, 'reality' begins to filter through.  I wake in the morning and lie in bed thinking, 'what day is it? I can't quite remember, and then it dawns upon me that I have woken to a new world, the corona/covid 19 world, and it really doesn't matter when I get up, each day is the same.

I clean my house, because that is what I do when the outside world is chaotic, that is how I maintain my sense of order and control. So I clean the house, wash my dishes, go on long walks.  As I have said, my area is beautiful, even more so now as spring has arrived - officially in fact.  The air is filled with scents of honey, the birds seem much louder than before, and when I am still and sit in a park under the trees, I hear the hum of bees and the insects.  Nature is unphased by the virus.

Yesterday my 'daughter' and I went on a beautiful walk, and as we walked down Stockton Avenue toward my house we both looked at each other and said, 'the fire season will start soon.'  That too is our new reality.

I am so blessed to have her nearby. She insists that I not go out except for walks and will do my shopping for me.  I feel truly blessed to have her in my life.

It seems most people I know, anyway, have been solicitous and helpful, and have come together in new ways.  I am heartened until I turn on the TV and see the idiot give his 'briefings' while Pence, and the White House doctor and other officials hover together around one microphone in direct contrast to the social distancing we are supposed to observe.  What kind of modeling is this?  Okay, enough of that for the entire day.  Not worth getting upset about.

OK, I am off for my walk, more later

The next day

My fellow morning walkers.  They are maintaining correct social distancing in a distinctly turkey-like manner.  

  



Other than these neighbours I saw one man pruning a tree, no-one else, and just very few cars.

Mainly I THINK  have learned, at loooooooooooooong last, to post photos on my blog without undertaking endless trials, and making so many attempts that I just become totally frustrated.

Today's accomplishments:

Photos on blog
made soup and rice and lentils - left some on the step outside for my landlords
finished knitting a hat for my great-nephew and have blocked it
read most of the paper and the latest updates and articles and suggestions sent by friends
been in contact with my far flung family
Oh, and most important, 2,840 steps and 6 floors climbed

Luckily where I live is even harder than being on a treadmill, and far more beautiful.  Thanks to the rain we have had after the driest February in 100 years or something similar, the air and plants and trees are sparklingly rinsed.

A guilty confession

Yesterday, in terms of this corona,/covid 19 crisis, light years ago - I went for a walk.  I stopped by my friendly neighbourhood coffee shop and ordered a latte.  I saw  a large bottle of hand sanitizer on the counter.  This is an item that has sold out everywhere - there is none to be had.  I asked the 'barista' whether the shop next door was selling any.

The gift shop next door is owned and run by the same couple who  own the coffee shop as well as a communal work space. I entered the shop where the owner sat looking at her computer screen.  I greeted her and asked whether she had any hand sanitizer to sell.  Of course she didn't, but she told me to come back with a bottle and she would give me some.  Then she looked at her screen, looked back at me, and said that the governor of California, Gavin Newsom, had at that moment declared that all people over 65 should stay at home.  The way she looked at me I could tell she knew I fell in that demographic! 

Kindly she offered to fill a plastic cup with hand sanitizer so that I wouldn't have to climb the steep hill back home and then down again.  She did add that I may not need the sanitizer if I am sheltered in my home!

So, new regulations in place.  These regulations stated that those over 65 shelter in place and only go out for essential items.

At home yesterday evening I poured myself a whisky and looked with horror at the bottle - almost finished!

This morning I began to agonize - should I order alcohol online?  Probably.  I tried, but as inept as I am with this online stuff I couldn't figure out how to put my member number on the order, and therefore wouldn't get a discount.  Then I thought - is going to BevMo  essential?  Of course it is.  Should I go?  Should I not?  This agonizing decision took up most of the morning, until, plucking up courage, donning a disguise (moustache and hat) I got into my car and drove to BevMo.  I turned on the radio and just then an announcement came on - "from midnight tonight everyone has to shelter in place.  Essential services will remain open along with grocery stores."  They didn't say liquor stores.

I drove along San Pablo and turned right into BevMo's parking lot - bedlam! No spaces at all. Eventually I squeezed into a space between cars, put on latex free gloves and went inside.  The place was packed - shelves were empty.  Four cashiers were open and there were long lines of people with well stocked carts.  Clearly I was not the only one who thought it wise to stock up.

I found what I was looking for and then - saw a prize item. A bottle of Gunpowder Gin from Ireland.  Yahoooooooo! I had to get that also. 

I stood in line at a distance of about 6 feet from the many people ahead of me.  The woman behind me, who was standing a bit too close for comfort, asked me whether this shop would still be open tomorrow.  The man behind her and I had obviously heard the latest rules.  'As of midnight tonight, only essenial shops will be open." She looked from me to him and then dropped her handbasket onto the floor and ran off for more bottles!!!!

There is no end in sight!

Acquiescence

 To try and say anything about the last couple of weeks with the news that changes every few minutes, is next to impossible.  The fear of the coronavirus and much of the misinformation increases at a dizzying pace.  Of course none of this has been helped by HWSNBN and his inability to talk in coherent sentences, his blaming of this virus on anything from Obama to the Democrats to the Chinese to the media.  OK - I won't waste anymore on that or on him.

The thing I can write about is my own process.  I have gone from denial, anger, shock, resistance, to reluctant acceptance, to acquiescence.

I had planned to leave for Israel on April 10th.  At first I was definitely going, then I thought I would go and would be in quarantine for 2 weeks, then I decided to wait until the last minute to decide. I could extend the trip so that I would still have time after being quarantined.  Then on Thursday, after a sleepless night,  I reluctantly decided that a trip at this time is stupid.  The other thing that kept me awake on Thursday night was that I was to attend a memorial service and reception for a friend's mother. I really wanted to honor her mother, and support my friend, but I decided against attending.  That decision was come by with great difficulty and a heavy heart.

These decisions were made after speaking to a rational, non alarmist, research scientist.  It suddenly dawned upon me that other than washing hands and social distancing, we must try and contain the virus. It is the socially responsible course of action.

Ever since this began, I have considered that we have a few lessons to learn from this global crisis. The first  is that we are all interconnected - and by that I mean everything and everyone on this planet.  Sealing borders to viruses will not work.  We only have to look at the devastation we have wrought on our environment to understand that we are interconnected. I do think some people understand this.

The other lesson is that we have absolutely no control over anything, not our health, not our lives, not our finances.  All of our 'safety' edifices and beliefs  are but a bubble, an illusion.  The one thing we can do is wash our hands, thoroughly, and respect our fellow beings and treat them with love, caring and compassion.

Here I am, at home, but still totally connected. And so very happy that it has rained again, at last, and once again the air is fresh and clean.

Be safe everyone.  Love to you all

Antidotes

These are a few of my antidotes to the prevailing air of total chaos and insanity

 

It is magnificent magnolia time of the year, and each year, despite the unusual weather, these trees appear in all their glory.

This has been the driest February in 100 years, or something like that. It is so dry I get a shock from my car door each time I close it.  The air is already not clean, my eyes  are red and itchy,  but undeterred, the magnolias bloom and grace our surroundings and our lives.

Nature does not let us down.

And this:






A stunning display of King Proteas which my friend in Tiburon has managed to grow.

South Africa's national flower has graced the gardens of a South African.

These things make me smile and feel good.

There is something else.  As the news steadily deteriorates, I have regressed.  I listen to the news in the morning on NPR and then I make cream of wheat. Something I don't remember having eaten in years and years.  It is soothing.

Does anyone else have some helpful antidotes - please add them in your comments.

As I am about to hit the publish button I sneezed!  Yikes.  I think it is simply allergy season, not the coronavirus!

Keeping Up

I am finding it difficult to catch my breath in the light of the ever changing news flashes.

Nevertheless, I will try to write about things I wanted to write about anyway, and either ignore the ever unfolding headlines, or just glance at them.

A few weeks ago I went to my yoga class.  I usually park on Kains Avenue, just before Solano Avenue.  It happened to be a very cold, but not a rainy day. I parked the car and opened the boot to get my yoga mat and socks. As I closed it I saw something on the pavement on the right side of the car.  I looked over and there was an inert body lying face up on the pavement, next to the recycling and garbage cans.  The face was covered with a blanket which reached down to his lower trunk. From the bottom edge of the blanket emerged a pair of white legs. They were wearing dirty ragged socks.  The body was totally still.

 So, my dilemma started.

"I am just in time for yoga. Should I go, or should I call the police.  If I do call the police, what will they do.  Should I call the non urgent police number? There were other people in the street and no-one was paying any attention.  In the end I didn't do anything, and carried on to my yoga class.  Needless to say, it was not a particularly relaxing session.  I kept berating myself - 'what have I descended to? shouldn't I have done something? Am I completely immune to what is going on around me?  By the end of class I had resolved that if the body was still there I would call the police.

I walked back to the car and saw a man sitting on the pavement right next to my car looking through a garbage can.  When I reached the car I looked at him and said "I am very pleased to see you are alive."

He was a tall, bearded, definitely scruffy white man.  He responded by saying, 'this is not what it seems like. I do have a home, but you know what it is like when you have problems with a landlord or a roommate, so sometimes I come here.  But this place is so busy today - there seems to be an event at the cinema.  (I was parked right next to the lot behind the Cinema.)  People are walking up and down. "

I pointed out that it is a place where people walk on the pavement, and yes, there are quite a few people going about their business, and yes, people are going to see the films.

"Yes," he said, "I suppose you are right. By the way, do you have a phone, I need to make a call."

"Sure," I replied, and reached into my bag, but there was no phone. I had apparently left it at home.

"Sorry," I apologised.

"Thats OK," he said.

"Well bye, be well," I said to him and he wished me well also.

I have not stopped thinking about this incident.  Firstly, we are confronted with similar incidences on a daily basis.  Some people are obviously mentally ill, and addicted, or have a good thing going.  The truth is, to me, it doesn't matter.  I think very few people choose to live on the streets.  It is extremely difficult.  I look at their feet covered in abscesses, running sores, shuffling painfully.  I do give money to people I like, even though people say don't

In the winter I will give out warm socks and underclothes.  Sometimes I do nothing, nothing at all.

I remember when I worked in Richmond a family I worked with worked at Acme bakery and every friday they gave me loaves of bread.  On my way home I saw a homeless couple and went to give them a couple of loaves.  The man looked at them and told me they don't want none of that focaccia - just plain bread!!!!

Fussy Berkeley homeless.

My dilemma grows exponentially, as does the amount of homeless.