I am not sure whether anyone is reading my posts. If there is someone out there in the ether, you may have noticed that recently there have been no new entries. I feel that I am experiencing somewhat of a covid-induced malaise. It is not a true depression, but I am definitely not gliding along on a pink cloud of joy and happiness.
Objectively there isn't much to feel optimistic about. This pandemic continues unabated, and I think the reality of what is happening cannot be absorbed all at one time. But every few days a little more sinks in. I speak to family and friends in Israel. I was supposed to go there in April - when we realised that was not going to happen I thought I would visit around Rosh Hashanah. That is obviously not going to happen - and maybe not next April either - who knows when.
A cousin in South Africa had a knee replacement and I had entertained thoughts of going there to help. I am comforted that she does have support of family and friends - but the fact is she is far away.
Our world has changed, and is changing, and we do not have any roadmaps, either on a personal or a global level. My dreams show me how I am floundering - an ongoing theme of having to go somewhere that is familiar, but now nothing looks the same and I just can't find my way. None of the roads I knew are quite the same as I had remembered, and they don't arrive at wherever it is I want to go.
I have had night time hallucinations of someone standing at the foot of my bed looking like a cross between a masked alien and an insect. I also dreamed of a big dog swallowing my mask. I heard the dog gulp it down and called the vet who said it will cost me $5,000 to operate. I was quite desperate as I did not have the money, or if I did spend it, I would have nothing left.
Unmistakably themes of anxiety!
And I feel increasingly anxious as the orange monster sends out storm troops to cities, threatens to postpone elections, on and on. Democracy hangs in the balance. Climate change (which doesn't exist) is threatening our very existence.
OK - I get it. Of course I am experiencing a malaise, to be out singing and dancing from the rooftops would be delusional. To top it all, I think I should be expressing non stop gratitude for my situation, which is, in fact, not so bad. After all, I do have a home, I can pay my rent, I do have friends and family, I am back in art class, I do have food - yes, I am grateful, but not ecstatic!
Sorry.
3 comments:
Seems malaise is a perfect description. When I tried to name my response to the multiple grim threats to our lives, I thought neither fight nor flight but perhaps the third strategy, freeze, to be an apt description for the state of immobilization I was experiencing a few weeks ago -- no pull to do anything, not even read. But malaise, i think, is spot on! An unwell state, yes, mal, malo. Seeking out your blog post is already a step in a good direction. You wrote about connecting in a previous post.
I just finished reading your blog post titled “Malaise” and I believe you perfectly expressed the emotions of so many people at this point in time. I also recently read your book, Tree Barking and was immediately captivated by your incredible story-telling ability. Normally, I cannot read in the car without feeling ill, but I was so entranced by the book that I would constantly find myself reading it in the car (as a passenger of course) without getting nauseous. I have found it rather difficult to acquire books that capture the raw essence of what it means to be an OT, but your memoir certainly hits the nail on its head. Your honesty, openness about your personal experiences and passion for your patients was so tangible throughout the entirety of the book. As a health science major at college, I have learned about and researched the battered healthcare system in the US and its impact on underrepresented Americans, but to read about it through an occupational therapy lens, made it that much more personal. I am currently in the process of applying for OT schools, and it is resources, such as these, that kindle my pursuit of OT. In reading the detailed stories of your patients, I feel as if I was an observer along the way. As mentioned in the book, your observation skills, that were manifested in your writing, played such a vital role, not only for better serving your patients, but also in making the reader feel truly connected to the story. Such a good read for an aspiring OT. Thank you for sharing your stories in such a genuine way.
-Maggie
Such a perfect word and description of our world right now, Nesta. Your words have such a way painting a vivid picture of your experiences and it's so very relatable. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insights. You are a gift.
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