A Brand New Chapter

 Goodbye to my previous chapter. 

These photos with the children are in the very home where my life in America began 42 years ago!!!!!!!!! The children were not here at that time, but their parents were.  They picked me up at San Francisco airport.  I have known their mother for 50 years.  She took me back to the airport again, and took the photos of me leaving!!!!!!

And now 

Here I am in Israel.

Physically I arrived Saturday night.  Spiritually I am between worlds, between lives, between time zones. Officially I m-a-y be here by the end of November - hopefully with the necessary documents required for my new life here.

So please don't ask, and I know everyone is asking from a place of love and concern, and sincere enquiry - "Are you settled?"   Of course I am not settled.  It will take a long time for the clouds and sands of time and world to begin to settle and reshape.  

I felt loved and supported in the farewells, and I feel loved and supported in the welcomes.  This is enough for now.

Countdown

As the date of my departure looms closer, it feels like time is moving by even more quickly than it normally does.

The excruciating process of farewells has begun.  As painful as it is, to part from those who have been in my life for a long while, it is also heartwarming.  One forgets, with the passage of time, the part we play in each others' lives - in my case, friends, of course, but also the families and the children I have worked with.  It is so gratifying to know that I made an important contribution in their development.

15 years ago I was referred to twin girls born prematurely.  Their parents were Pakistani and were fairly new in this country.  The girls were diagnosed as failure to thrive, along with hypersensitivity, retinopathy, delayed development -  the problems of prematurity.  I saw them once a week (cuts had been made, and we could no longer see the children twice or three times a week.) The mother, of course, was overwhelmed.  She had no support  as her family were in Pakistan.  The dad worked  at a garage 7 days a week.  Slowly I began to really enjoy my visits. The mother cooperated in their treatment.  We had long talks, and the girls  smiled when I walked in.  They had lustrous black hair and lovely eyes.  One day I walked in - I didn't see them.  The mother pointed to the swing on the balcony - and there were two hard boiled eggs!  On closer observation I saw it was the girls - the parents had shaved their heads completely!  Quite a few cultures did this before the age of one in the belief that the hair will be thicker and stronger.  As ever, I became quickly accustomed to anything.

Yesterday when I went to say goodbye I found were two lovely, thriving, articulate teenagers with shining long black hair. They are in high school after the 2 year covid hiatus. They are eager students and are already looking toward college.  The mom made a lovely henna design on my hand. I had made an imprint in their lives and she made an imprint on me. 

 I awoke this morning with a feeling of warmth and gratitude.  I played an important part in many lives, and if I weren't saying goodbye, I would not have realised this. My hand is a reminder.

So this process of letting go is bittersweet, but ultimately it 'sparks joy.'  (yes Marie Kondo, the decluttering expands to many aspects of our lives.) 

The End of an Era

 I was born in a country which was part of the Commonwealth.  

We were raised with singing God Save The Queen in morning hymns.  It was played in the bioscope.  We didn't have television in South Africa, but the grainy footage in black and white of the coronation was shown in the bioscope.  I had colouring in books of the Royal family and their pets - the Corgis, and the Queen's horses. South Africa left the Commonwealth in 1961,  but our interest in the monarchy has not waned.  

And so this morning found me in Marshalls, looking at luggage when my phone chimed.  It was my sister, and her first words were "where are you?"    I knew something had happened and immediately my mind began clicking onto all the dreadful scenarios I could come up with.  

"The Queen died."   

And so we have reached the end of an era.

All Gone

 

And just like that .......

In two hours - everything gone, in a 200 cu. ft. container.

What I don't think will be gone in such a short time is the feelings that come over me every couple of hours over the last few months.  A feeling that is hard to describe, sort of between horror, or a sinking feeling - a quickening of my breath, a racing of my heart - 'where is ...? Did I pack it? and if so, in which box? and why? A racing through taped boxes, a fumbling through objects - where is it, my keys, my passports, a necklace, a pair of shoes, a painting, my glasses.   And now, when the feeling overcomes me as I am sure it will, "too late now - I can't go and unpack everything again - too bad - didn't need it anyway, "

And now, what am I going to do with my time?  

And just like that ......

So after the packers drove away I went on a long meandering walk up and down the hills of El Cerrito.  It is summer and a heavy layer of fog lies over the bay - Mt. Tam, the Golden Gate, and San Francisco appear then disappear. Mounds of dirt from busy gophers crumble onto sidewalks.  Concrete fences erected to shore up the gardens on the inclines tilt precariously. Hollyhocks and roses - loquat trees, bushes of rosemary, the leaves of the silver birch tree hang down  shining green and silver and grey like a pendant of jewels, magnolia trees still flowering, the jacarandas spread their purple carpets that are now turning brown, and crunch underfoot.  How I love this area, and these views, and these walks.  I will continue to savor them while I can.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

This is what I have been doing, in between going to banks, recycling centres, shredding pounds of paper, making trips to the El Cerrito Recycling Center, Out of The Closet, Center for Creative Reuse. Back and forth, forth and back. Packing, unpacking, packing again, unpacking again, peering at documents on the computer, wiping my leaking eye, signing documents.   

Listening to the hearings in the background. Healing hours spent doing art, and more healing times making forays to the wonderful and inspiring Museums that we are blessed with.  Walking in the beautiful neighbourhood listening to easy books. Playing the spelling bee, avoiding the terribly depressing barrage of the news of our falling apart world.

All above is, I think, a good excuse as to the reason I have been quiet for so long!

Kafka-esque

 Today is the summer solstice - should this be a time of joy and light?  If so, I deeply regret that I am in the wrong place.  It may be the longest day of the year - which is nice.  Here in the East Bay it is also the hottest day of the year - up in the 90's, which is the norm for many other places, but not here - it is very hot and dry, and we all know what that portends .....

And I have just experienced yet another odd event.  I logged in to my bank account online, clicked on the transaction I wanted to make only to see a totally blank screen - nothing, nada, no matter that I followed the appropriate steps.  I called support and the woman who answered was, indeed, supportive.  Apparently I have pop ups blocked - she helped me unblock them.  I logged into the account again while she was on the line, clicked on the correct link, only to see a message that they are experiencing technical difficulties. Yes, she told me, they are, and they have been working on it all day.  I must try later or tomorrow.

On Saturday I received a new iPad.  I could get online help - which I arranged and spoke to Adel.  I had indicated that I wanted to learn more about the use of the ipencil which I had received several weeks earlier.  I hadn't yet removed it from its mail package.  Adel was excited to help and waited while I opened the ipencil and began to follow his verbal instructions.  No matter what I did - and I did EXACTLY as he told me, the fully charged brand new pencil did not do anything - that is, I wrote, tried to draw, paint, etc. with it, and the screen remained blank.  As blank and as virginally white as a plot of land after the first snowfall.  

Adel instructed me on other digital wonders and promised to send an email with all the instructions in a written format, so I could refer to them easily at any time.  As our session was ending he said he would put me through to tech support.  They would help with the pencil.

On came Jeff from tech support.  We spent at least 30 minutes, if not more, tapping the pencil, charging the pencil, hitting the pencil, dropping the pencil, eating the pencil.  His helpful conclusion was to immediately take the pencil in its packaging to the nearest Apple Store.  They would give me a working pencil.  Off I went to Fourth Street (Saturday afternoon means lack of parking, and a crowded Apple Store.). Eventually I found a parking space, and entered the store.  All these smiling young people in T-shirts and an ipad in their hand were helping customers.  At last a really helpful young lady asks what is wrong.  I explained the situation.  No problem, she assured me.. I followed her to the vicinity of the Genius Bar where she unpacked the pencil, puts it to a screen, and. ........ on the white screen 

Script appears.  Typed words appear.  A drawing appears.   

"Why was the tip removed," she asks me.  I told her this was what Adel and Jeff had instructed me to do.

So the 2 supposed genii helpers had given me the wrong advice.   AND - Adel never emailed me the other instructions.

Two days previously I called social security - I waited half an hour for my call, that was really important to them,  to be answered.  Of course they were experiencing an unusually high volume of callers.  But after it was answered - the woman helped me with my questions. She explained to me what I need to do after my move to Israel, and said she was immediately emailing two forms I would need.  I thanked her profusely and told her how much she had helped, we hung up after wishing each other good days, or evening, in her case.  

No emails followed.   

I called again - this time I waited almost an hour. I waited because I need this information. It is essential for my upcoming change of country.  When the call was answered it took a minute to explain what I needed and this woman immediately sent the emails.

So ---- all of the above is to explain why I am not experiencing unabated joy and light on this longest, hottest day of 2022.

A Rant

 I am on a rant - again.  Two days ago 21 school children and a teacher were killed in Uvalde in Texas. This evening on the news report the newscaster questioned some children who were in the classroom and survived, and some parents and she said "Tis is a community still in mourning ....." STILL what the hell does she think, they haven't even begun to process this horror - they are in shock - the mourning and anger and grief and disbelief only begin much later - and in fact, will never end. How dare she say STILL in mourning.

And the gun rights advocates ----- I have no words.

And then this morning (NOT mourning, morning) on one of my favourite NPR shows, the commentator had a program about the violence against minorities.  The Asian Pacific atrocities, the Black atrocities, and now all these children are from a predominantly Latino community  -  yes, all these communities have suffered hate crimes, shootings, etc. especially in these last dreadful two and a half years.  What she didn't even mention was hate crimes against Jews who have also suffered shootings, beatings, vandalism, etc.  Why is violence against Jews often not mentioned or written about?   I am sorry if I seem overly sensitive, but this omission in itself feels like a form of anti semitism.

EVERYONE is suffering - as white supremacy reigns.  Let us acknowledge this.