An answer to requests

The fact is, I don't know what to say anymore.  We stumble on, heartsick and heartbroken - no ray of light at the end of the tunnel (I HATE to use that word - tunnel). More soldiers killed, more bodies identified, more missiles, especially from the north now.  Insane, messianic, narcissistic, dangerous people in charge. Over 20,000 dead in Gaza.  A dark grey cloud of misery encompasses the middle east.

But, my dear dear friends have requested that I continue to blog - a sign of life, I suppose.  This will probably be my last entry for this year.  What will 2024 bring?  When I told a friend we are without hope here, I received a lecture "Victor Frankel .......... "  Of course I have read and studied, and in fact, met Victor Frankel.  I don't need a lecture.  For us without hope, life nevertheless continues - I ENJOY bird watching for example.  Just this week I  spent a lovely day in the beautiful lower Galilee watching and listening to songbirds in a forest of sorts, and walking around the fish ponds on Kibbutz Hazorea.  Kites, ospreys, mallards. Even though it has been a remarkably mild winter, rains have fallen and it is beautiful to see  the green covered Gilboa, and breathe in the fresh crisp air.  ALL of us in the group enjoyed the day, despite the fact that we ALL live without any illusions.  Most everyone has sons or grandsons in Gaza and up north, on the border with Lebanon.  If they are not directly related to you, then you know someone who has sons and daughters in the army or the reserves.  Some people have 2 and 3 children serving in the army and many haven't seen them for three months.  Israel is a very very small country.

I enjoy my art, yoga, Feldenkrais, cleaning spring onions, and learning Arabic, which is extremely difficult.  So life continues 

BUT, -  we are without hope.

A new year begins, but in Israel it is not observed - except by Russian Jews who enjoy Sylvester, the Christian community, of course, but I don't think any communities are up to wild partying this year.

Having written these uplifting words - I nevertheless wish everyone a better new year, with some hope of resolution.

My latest piece of art:   

Heartsick

 I think I am at an all time low, although goodness knows it is highly likely to get even more down as everything crumbles and deteriorates. I can hardly turn on the news  - neither Israeli, nor foreign news. The same goes for looking at the paper.   

67 days of fighting, 137 hostages, the numbers of soldiers being killed mounts daily, as of course the staggering reports of civilians dying in Gaza.  Starvation, disease, desperation. This is war.  There are absolutely no euphemisms, just sheer horror and disbelief at the plight of humanity. It will end at some time, because all things come to an end - but how, when.   No victors if there were expected to be such a thing. Everything seems futile.

And, despite the futility, and the despair, one continues - lighting Hanukah candles each night,  cleaning, spring onions, learning Arabic, attending yoga, painting, reading, knitting,  meeting friends, seeing family, jumping at explosions, learning to differentiate between thunder and explosions, cooking, crying, laughing.  The sun comes up and the sun goes down.  And the heart wonders just how much it can contain.

HORROR SHOW

This last week of the 'ceasefire' and the return of the hostages was like watching The Hunger Games, only far far worse.  It is a reality show that is excruciating.  Hamas is torturing us, as it tortured the hostages. From those who have been returned stories are emerging, in whispers, they are told in the eyes of the women and children. And today we hear that six men are dead -  and there are still 136 hostages.

Gender violence, torture - who cares? Two young brothers now returned were 'branded' with motor exhausts so that they could be identified if they escaped. Rape, dismemberment, torture, the United Nations close their eyes and block their ears. 

Is it a surprise that this week I walk around with a sense of grief and hopelessness. And now the fighting has begun again and alarms sound from the north to the south. We had a briefing ('re-briefing') on what to do when the sirens screech. What to do if there is an 'infiltration.'  What to do if you are at home, in a car, on public transport, in a shopping center, in a park, on a promenade.

Is it a wonder that I totally forgot that this is the season of joy and hope?  Of Xmas lights, smells of nutmeg and pumpkin?  Of pressure to buy? At least we are relieved of that!

My great niece and nephew have a new game - when they play outside and hear a car door slam or some such similar sound, they come running inside shouting "siren, siren," and laugh like banshees at the reaction of the people around them.   It is such fun.

Thanksgiving??????

My heart is a prisoner in Gaza.

 07/10/23.    

BRING THEM HOME. NOW

My computer reminds me today is Thanksgiving.  My favorite holiday in America now all but forgotten - no celebrations here, there never were of course. It is a uniquely American celebration.  But today, of all days? The day 50 hostages, mothers and children, were supposed to have been returned.  I am not sure whether I wrote this in any previous post, but I will only believe IN their return if and when it actually happens, and we see it happening. This is beyond cruel, in a series of ongoing cruelty and torture that began on October 7th. 

So, to all of you whom I hold dear in America, enjoy your families, treasure your children, and your parents.  Be thankful for warmth and love and nourishment. Be thankful for the food and the blessings in your life. 

And let us hope and pray they are never taken away.

What next?

 I have not written for over a week. I have been asked (genteelly) for a new entry.  I struggle to put words down - everything just keeps getting steadily worse. The agony of not knowing about the hostages continues.  Their families and supporters have marched to Jerusalem, only to be met by a stony silence, little offers of hope - glimmers that fade almost as soon as they begin. I think I have found a term for this time, or present constant state of being - it is existential agony. Some days I have energy to engage with others, o rin different activities, and some days I don't. Some days I want to talk to people, other days I don't. I am trying to be more accepting of myself in this state of existential agony.  This is an extremely dark time for humanity.

It Just Gets Worse

How difficult it is to describe the ongoing grind of war.   It is difficult to bear the constant assault of those protesting against Israel all over the world.  These protests and cries against us are almost as frequent as the barrage of missiles sent our way. Apparently these are no longer mentioned in newspapers overseas.  The displacement of over 200,000 people in Israel - the deserted farms, cities, and settlements in the north and the south. The uncertainty of what is going to happen, combined with the uncertainty of what is happening. The horror of the captives - where are they? are they alive? Who is feeding the young children, the nursing babies, the sick and the elderly? Who is holding them? and comforting them? Are women and men separated? Do they have any idea of where they are? Can they sleep? Do they know a nation is praying for them? weeping for them? Do they know that we have not abandoned them? Not even for one second? 

Do they know how horrified we are by the words and deeds of those in our government?  Who can understand a people that have been abandoned by those who are supposed to be looking after us?

BUT, the indomitable spirit of the people of this country - civilians, soldiers, teenagers, elderly - everyone coming together, to feed, to clothe, to comfort, to house the displaced, to cry together, to help together, this is what sustains us, but it is so very very hard.

A Heavy Heart

 As I began to write this blog, Friday October 27, at 2.15, I was shaken by a loud explosion. No sirens, so this means it is not immediately close to us.  I turned on the TV - missiles in the Tel Aviv area, and a building was hit! An apartment building has been struck - 2 top stories are burning, residents are being rushed to hospital.

I have called this entry "A Heavy Heart" because for the last week or so my heart is heavy as I see and read of demonstrations around the world against Israel, against Jews, against the colonizing Israelis and persecution of Palestinians.  Just so anyone who reads this can understand - I have ALWAYS been against the occupation.  I am still opposed to the occupation.  There are many people in Israel who oppose the occupation and still, against all hope, want a two state solution.

 The 'woke,' self righteous, good people of the world, do NOT understand the very complex history of this area.  They should try to become a little more informed, and read about the colonial British, the partition, the wars between the Arab peoples.  It is not my place to write about this.  I just want to let everyone know that this is PETRIFYING and tragic for everyone.  We have nowhere to go.  Nowhere is safe.

This morning I went for a teeth cleaning in the small town of Even Yehuda.  The taxi driver who picked me up asked how I am. He said he is "excellent, as good as can be under the circumstances. I do not watch TV, I don't listen to each expert who knows better than the other what to do, I work and go home to my family, and pray."

Every small town and moshav now has a guard and gate at the entrance.  As we went through early, there were only a couple of cars going through. Everyone working in the dental ofice was polite and solicitious. They wished me a quiet shabat when I left. I went for a cup of coffee and all the waiters and counter people were helpful and polite and nice.  It is a different country since the war! I am not quite used to it. Before I reached the cafe a group of young boys, about 10, approached me and asked whether I would  buy a lemonade or cookie for the residents and soldiers in the south.  I said I would give them some money. I handed them the money and they said, "please, at least have some lemonade." They told me where the money was going. They were serious, polite and caring.

The taxi driver who picked me up to take me home apologised for being tardy - "there is a roadblock into town, only one and a (more explosions right now - Rishon LeZion) very long line of cars waiting to get through.  So stupid", he said, "a long line at the one entrance - we will all be killed together."  

On the way back we saw a miles long line of cars waiting to get through.  He pointed out the open fields on either side of the highway, "what is to stop them coming through in a truck and killing us all."

We are NOT living in comfort and peace and ignorance. We know what is happening in Gaza, we know what is happening in the north. What we don't know is what is happening next - a ground invasion? not? when? This waiting and not knowing is completely nervewracking.  Waiting for a war, waiting for missiles, above all, wanting, and waiting, and praying for the hostages to be returned.

To all you 'woke' people, try and understand that this story has many sides, an Apeirogon - it is a unending tragedy for everyone. 

Read "Apeirogen" by Colum McCann