This week has been a tough one for me.
I think it was Saturday (totally unclear of days) that I didn't want to do a thing. No walk, no hula hoop, no painting, no writing, no reading, no netflix, no news (that is fine) - no cooking, no anything.
I sat outside on my little deck and waited for the humming bird to come to the feeder - he didn't come.
Again, days or the markings of days unclear. On Sunday I received whats apps from people in Israel as Yom Hazikaron would be taking place. At least I could find a reason for feeling down, as if 6-7 weeks in isolation, and the general uncertainty of absolutely everything were not enough. Of course I am down. Yom Hazikaron is coming up - I should be in Israel, with family and friends. I should be going to the alternative Ceremony in the evening and Kibbutz Ein Dor that day.
But if I looked even further under - it is for me a complete existential crisis.
"What is this all about?"
The pain of sitting with nothing. I could look for distractions; zoom, texts, classes, music. Just distractions.
What is underneath everything? money, security, partners, children, creativitiy, all the constructs we create and place our hope and trust in?
This is the time for me to go in deep and under.
I do accept this.
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