Nerves

 I think it is safe to say that my nerves are shredded.  Why, I wonder, do I (in fact 'we') use the phrase 'safe to say?'  What could happen to me that would make it unsafe to say, and what, exactly, does it mean - safe to say.  This is a conundrum for another time.  Whatever is safe or not safe to say, is that my nerves are shredded.  

I feel I have lost track of what holiday we are now about to 'celebrate'.  I think it is Simchat Tora, which is exactly the black and terrible day of 7th October 2023.  Because of these holidays the regular schedule is not the same - some days there are activities as usual, somedays there aren't. Of course here in the Village our management keeps us informed of what is and isn't happening, but nevertheless it is hard to keep track. The swimming pool is not in use as it is being repaired, so that is one activity that is not happening. 

On a personal level it is hard to keep up of which times and which days we run to the shelter, which nights are 'quiet', which days are 'quiet.' Quiet is relative, because quiet in this area doesn't mean it is quiet up north, or in the lower Galilee, or down south, or in the West Bank, or if there are successful or unsuccessful terrorist attacks in various towns. It merely means, this little area is quiet.  We do hear booms, but if there are no sirens, then we are not in the direct line of fire.

Last week before the Succot holiday I was invited to friends for the morning of Succot.  We thought it would be nice just to be together for a couple of hours.  My friend had invited me the day before, and I left her a message thanking her, asking what I should bring, and also, just by the way, to let her know I was feeling extremely unsettled.  All day I had a bad feeling - worse than normal. That night there were explosions, sirens, incoming drones. I watched TV and the announcer said a drone had hit something near Wadi Ara, then they said Binyamina, then they said 6 people wounded, 10 people, the number quickly rose to 67.  This was not in Binyamina - 67 people wouldn't have been outside - it must be an army base.  4 people killed, we clung to the news, but no names or places were announced.  At 11.30 I received a phone call from the same friend who had invited me, and my heart pounded fiercely - her grandson is in basic training. She called to tell me the attack had been at his army base - him and his unit were OK - obviously dozens of other young men weren't.  

NONE of this makes for settled nerves.  No further sirens for a few days, but one's nervous system is on high alert.  Driving in a car - if there is a siren, stop and go away from the car and lie down.  If you are near a shelter, go to the shelter, we know the drill.  We know being in a shelter saves lives.  

A few days and nights of 'quiet.' Then this morning I had to get up early as the cleaning lady was due to come. I looked at my phone and saw that missiles were being sent everywhere in the North and the Center.

We are in the Center, but it was quiet. I have a meditation app I listen to every morning, and it always amazes me how the subject exactly ties into what is happening. This morning the subject was 'how commotion can be useful in our practice."  In other words, how to find peace within chaos.  Hahhhhhhh - they spoke about outside noises and how to deal with them - that we think we should be meditating in a peaceful quiet manner in a peaceful quiet world, but inevitably interference happens.  As I finished the practice there was a tremendous explosion - peace is not what I experienced. While waiting for the siren I put on slippers, grabbed my phone and ran to the shelter.

The wi fi doesn't work in the shelter.  After 10 minutes we thought it would be safe to leave, but I called the front desk to check. The man who answered shouted at me "there was no siren."    WHAT???? - 6 of us were sitting in the shelter because of the explosion and siren.  He began to argue with me and I slammed the phone down.  So much for peace in chaos.

We did leave - but of course everyone is on edge.  And, just to let you all know, I DO think of the people in Gaza, in Lebanon, in Ukraine, in Sudan - I think of the upcoming American elections.  I just cannot dwell on these thoughts endlessly.

Yesterday there was a funeral for a girl of 22 who committed suicide a year after the Nova massacre.  On TV they said there has been a 60% rise in anxiety and stress amongst children.  All our nerves are shredded.

And so today, after the upsetting morning- I went to the gym, and am now blogging. I will do my arabic homework as I have a lesson this afternoon - so, life continues. I bought vegetables, flowers, accepted an invitation to a birthday brunch. This is how it goes.