The last few months in pictures

 From this

to this

to this 

and, at last 

The Saga Continues

Today two men are in my house putting up an awning for the balcony.  It was supposed to have been done three weeks ago, but no matter - it is now being done.  The men are from Colombia so I have a chance to speak Spanish, to our mutual surprise.  A man from Russia put together my sideboard from Ikea, an Ethiopian worked on my kitchen cupboard.   A very religious young man, side curls and all, came into my house to put together bedroom closets.  Pleasantly surprised that: 

a) he was working and not in a yeshiva

b) he worked in a woman's house 

The Yemenite man who fixed my shutters this morning explained that they were a mess because of the stray cats who claw their way into the homes.  This is the fault, he added, of the Russian and Ukrainian women workers who feed the cats against the rules.

And just to add that everyone of these workmen who entered my house kissed the mezuzah on the door as they entered.  They touch it with their right hand and bring it to their lips.

Yesterday I went for a neighbour's birthday lunch with three other women.  As we arrived the first was sitting outside drinking wine.  We joined her.  The 4th, who had reserved a table for us at 1, arrived late. She saw us sitting at the table and immediately shouted - "why here? I booked a table for inside. I hate these outside tables, and why are you already having a drink?" The drinker explained she had arrived early and it is very pleasant outside.  

"I hate these tables," said the one who had made the reservation. "Lets take the tables from the inside to the outside."

The waitress explained this cannot be done.  Eventually, after arguments and negotiations we remained outside and told the waitress to bring three more glasses of wine, quickly.

We began to order - is it a business lunch? - yes.

Can't we get an added discount for seniors? - no.

That's not OK, we eat here often - sorry, the waitress doesn't make up the rules

Bring the wine, why is it not here yet?

Wine was served.

Lunch was eaten.

Along came the bill, paid differently in Israel than in America.  The waiter brings the bill and the customer tells them to add a certain percentage for the tip.  A tip is added in this manner, or one can pay and leave cash on the table.

Three of us paid, treating the birthday woman after many protests  Then the bill was scrutinized, the waitress asked to the table along with the supervisor. Was the tip before or after the VAT. The supervisor explained that the cash machine automatically adds the VAT. He was then asked to divide the amount by three, while he stood at the table, then to add the percentage.  After he had done the math and explained the process numerous times, it appears the reservationist was satisfied.

So the above is a snapshot of life in the holy land ......... and still I wait for appointments, emails (programs have apparently stopped working in many offices). I could not sign on a medical insurance form so the person sending it asked if they could sign for me!

OK - yes, this is the way.

Slogging

 I am trying to find the most appropriate word, or wording. for my present trials and tribulations.  Slogging through mud, treading water, sucked into quicksand, treading water.  I think by this time even Kafka-esq no longer works. 

Suffice to say I am doing my best to stay afloat and not sink into a morass of despair.

As I have written before - this ministry, that ministry. Attempting to sign in online, making phone calls, going to branches of banks that no longer exist. And  this in an all pervasive atmosphere of increasing violence and fear - fear of what the incoming government may do.  Fear that rights of LGBTQ people will be taken away, rights of women, rights of Palestinians, rights of ordinary people.  

In the midst of all this, I just want my furniture, I want to open a bank account, I want to find a way to access my accounts in the States .  Sounds so simple - it is not.

And yes, I chose this I have to see it all through. There has to be light at the end of the tunnel. Come to think of it, this has been going on for 9 months - but I do not feel warm and comforted like a foetus must feel. I am not being nourished in the womb. But I suppose that I have to cling to the hope that things will work out eventually, and the birth process will take place in a timely fashion.

Here's hoping!

De-nested

 I don't think De-nested is a legitimate word, but it should be.  I can say with certainty that I have been de-nested. Besides the fact that my name is Nesta, my astrological sign is Cancer (right on the cusp of Leo) - but let us say it is Cancer.t  Cancers love their nests.  This is what makes them feel secure in this world.  Since I made the decision to uproot and move in March of this year, I have been systematically de-nested.  I made the decision, no one forced me.  No one is 'to blame.'  I made this decision, I am OK with it, but still - I have to go through this process.  

For months now I have packed and. unpacked, shedded possessions, shredded, recycled, donated. In July a lift was sent to Israel, and since then I have lived with a minimum of things, as I have written about.  Since arriving in Israel I have lived out of two suitcases.  Unsettling - along with the endless bureaucratic hassles. I had to order furniture - and wait for it.  My bed arrived 12 days early.  I now had everything I needed for my move - a bed, a fridge, a soda stream.  So I moved two nights ago - borrowed sheets, a pillow, a towel and ....... slept in my new bed, in my new home!!!!!!!!  And, I. My lift arrived yesterday slept like a log in the bed it had taken me 15 minutes to buy!!!!!!!!  

My neighbour told that before I go to sleep I must concentrate on each corner of the room and make a wish.  I was so exhausted I forgot .... until, just before I dozed off I remembered, and did what she had told me to.   She came the next morning to check whether I had done it, thank goodness I could say yes.

Everyone here has been so very welcoming - and I have help with everything.  The thing that has stumped me is my brand new smart TV - way smarter than I ever was or will be.  I have had two nights of intensive training, tonight will be the test - have I absorbed the instructions, along with the arrival of people to install the wi fi, the housekeeping, the social worker, the nurse, the neighbours, the gardeners, the cooks. Yesterday a Russian/Ukrainian team of scary looking muscular men raced in and out of my little home carrying the boxes that had been shipped almost four months before. They gave me a piece of paper with the numbers of the boxes and scurried back and forth shouting the numbers in accented hebrew and I had to tick off each box.  They slit the boxes open and drove off leaving me and brother-in-law in a state of shock.

And so the process of renesting has begun.

Fate

 With the upsetting far tilting right results of the elections in Israel this week, I have come to terms with my fate.

From the very beginning of my life I have obviously been doomed to live in extreme, almost totalitarian countries.  Just today, this morning, right now in fact, I have come to the conclusion that this is my lot in life.  I can not flee this reality, I just have to accept it. Of course I don't have to agree with it, and I will continue to live my life by my 'rules' - I will try to treat my fellow humans as such - not lesser than, not more than, with respect dignity. I will attempt to respond to some of their extremist ways with dignity also.

Of course this is far easier said than done.  Just yesterday I experienced Israeli treatment at the Ministry of the Interior.  This is an appointment that was made six months ago.  Let us just say the treatment is not at all polite or gracious.  My sister and I were confronted by a female clerk - just a small example of her manner:  she shoved forms along the counter for me to sign.  I had to read them, of course, in Hebrew. I must have taken a little longer than she cared for - she pointed to a line and said 'sign, sign here,, what is your problem.'  I signed and she grabbed them back - maybe I signed my life away, who knows.  Before I took another breath she had given me a 'valid ID card, a new passport - changed my name officially from Nesta Rovina Lowenberg, to Nesta Rovina. Mission accomplished. As we stood to leave she gave a half smile and said 'you two killed me!"  Apparently we had kept her extremely busy!  I told her that at least it had made her morning more interesting - with a half smile she bade us shalom.

A Brand New Chapter

 Goodbye to my previous chapter. 

These photos with the children are in the very home where my life in America began 42 years ago!!!!!!!!! The children were not here at that time, but their parents were.  They picked me up at San Francisco airport.  I have known their mother for 50 years.  She took me back to the airport again, and took the photos of me leaving!!!!!!

And now 

Here I am in Israel.

Physically I arrived Saturday night.  Spiritually I am between worlds, between lives, between time zones. Officially I m-a-y be here by the end of November - hopefully with the necessary documents required for my new life here.

So please don't ask, and I know everyone is asking from a place of love and concern, and sincere enquiry - "Are you settled?"   Of course I am not settled.  It will take a long time for the clouds and sands of time and world to begin to settle and reshape.  

I felt loved and supported in the farewells, and I feel loved and supported in the welcomes.  This is enough for now.

Countdown

As the date of my departure looms closer, it feels like time is moving by even more quickly than it normally does.

The excruciating process of farewells has begun.  As painful as it is, to part from those who have been in my life for a long while, it is also heartwarming.  One forgets, with the passage of time, the part we play in each others' lives - in my case, friends, of course, but also the families and the children I have worked with.  It is so gratifying to know that I made an important contribution in their development.

15 years ago I was referred to twin girls born prematurely.  Their parents were Pakistani and were fairly new in this country.  The girls were diagnosed as failure to thrive, along with hypersensitivity, retinopathy, delayed development -  the problems of prematurity.  I saw them once a week (cuts had been made, and we could no longer see the children twice or three times a week.) The mother, of course, was overwhelmed.  She had no support  as her family were in Pakistan.  The dad worked  at a garage 7 days a week.  Slowly I began to really enjoy my visits. The mother cooperated in their treatment.  We had long talks, and the girls  smiled when I walked in.  They had lustrous black hair and lovely eyes.  One day I walked in - I didn't see them.  The mother pointed to the swing on the balcony - and there were two hard boiled eggs!  On closer observation I saw it was the girls - the parents had shaved their heads completely!  Quite a few cultures did this before the age of one in the belief that the hair will be thicker and stronger.  As ever, I became quickly accustomed to anything.

Yesterday when I went to say goodbye I found were two lovely, thriving, articulate teenagers with shining long black hair. They are in high school after the 2 year covid hiatus. They are eager students and are already looking toward college.  The mom made a lovely henna design on my hand. I had made an imprint in their lives and she made an imprint on me. 

 I awoke this morning with a feeling of warmth and gratitude.  I played an important part in many lives, and if I weren't saying goodbye, I would not have realised this. My hand is a reminder.

So this process of letting go is bittersweet, but ultimately it 'sparks joy.'  (yes Marie Kondo, the decluttering expands to many aspects of our lives.) 

The End of an Era

 I was born in a country which was part of the Commonwealth.  

We were raised with singing God Save The Queen in morning hymns.  It was played in the bioscope.  We didn't have television in South Africa, but the grainy footage in black and white of the coronation was shown in the bioscope.  I had colouring in books of the Royal family and their pets - the Corgis, and the Queen's horses. South Africa left the Commonwealth in 1961,  but our interest in the monarchy has not waned.  

And so this morning found me in Marshalls, looking at luggage when my phone chimed.  It was my sister, and her first words were "where are you?"    I knew something had happened and immediately my mind began clicking onto all the dreadful scenarios I could come up with.  

"The Queen died."   

And so we have reached the end of an era.

All Gone

 

And just like that .......

In two hours - everything gone, in a 200 cu. ft. container.

What I don't think will be gone in such a short time is the feelings that come over me every couple of hours over the last few months.  A feeling that is hard to describe, sort of between horror, or a sinking feeling - a quickening of my breath, a racing of my heart - 'where is ...? Did I pack it? and if so, in which box? and why? A racing through taped boxes, a fumbling through objects - where is it, my keys, my passports, a necklace, a pair of shoes, a painting, my glasses.   And now, when the feeling overcomes me as I am sure it will, "too late now - I can't go and unpack everything again - too bad - didn't need it anyway, "

And now, what am I going to do with my time?  

And just like that ......

So after the packers drove away I went on a long meandering walk up and down the hills of El Cerrito.  It is summer and a heavy layer of fog lies over the bay - Mt. Tam, the Golden Gate, and San Francisco appear then disappear. Mounds of dirt from busy gophers crumble onto sidewalks.  Concrete fences erected to shore up the gardens on the inclines tilt precariously. Hollyhocks and roses - loquat trees, bushes of rosemary, the leaves of the silver birch tree hang down  shining green and silver and grey like a pendant of jewels, magnolia trees still flowering, the jacarandas spread their purple carpets that are now turning brown, and crunch underfoot.  How I love this area, and these views, and these walks.  I will continue to savor them while I can.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

This is what I have been doing, in between going to banks, recycling centres, shredding pounds of paper, making trips to the El Cerrito Recycling Center, Out of The Closet, Center for Creative Reuse. Back and forth, forth and back. Packing, unpacking, packing again, unpacking again, peering at documents on the computer, wiping my leaking eye, signing documents.   

Listening to the hearings in the background. Healing hours spent doing art, and more healing times making forays to the wonderful and inspiring Museums that we are blessed with.  Walking in the beautiful neighbourhood listening to easy books. Playing the spelling bee, avoiding the terribly depressing barrage of the news of our falling apart world.

All above is, I think, a good excuse as to the reason I have been quiet for so long!

Kafka-esque

 Today is the summer solstice - should this be a time of joy and light?  If so, I deeply regret that I am in the wrong place.  It may be the longest day of the year - which is nice.  Here in the East Bay it is also the hottest day of the year - up in the 90's, which is the norm for many other places, but not here - it is very hot and dry, and we all know what that portends .....

And I have just experienced yet another odd event.  I logged in to my bank account online, clicked on the transaction I wanted to make only to see a totally blank screen - nothing, nada, no matter that I followed the appropriate steps.  I called support and the woman who answered was, indeed, supportive.  Apparently I have pop ups blocked - she helped me unblock them.  I logged into the account again while she was on the line, clicked on the correct link, only to see a message that they are experiencing technical difficulties. Yes, she told me, they are, and they have been working on it all day.  I must try later or tomorrow.

On Saturday I received a new iPad.  I could get online help - which I arranged and spoke to Adel.  I had indicated that I wanted to learn more about the use of the ipencil which I had received several weeks earlier.  I hadn't yet removed it from its mail package.  Adel was excited to help and waited while I opened the ipencil and began to follow his verbal instructions.  No matter what I did - and I did EXACTLY as he told me, the fully charged brand new pencil did not do anything - that is, I wrote, tried to draw, paint, etc. with it, and the screen remained blank.  As blank and as virginally white as a plot of land after the first snowfall.  

Adel instructed me on other digital wonders and promised to send an email with all the instructions in a written format, so I could refer to them easily at any time.  As our session was ending he said he would put me through to tech support.  They would help with the pencil.

On came Jeff from tech support.  We spent at least 30 minutes, if not more, tapping the pencil, charging the pencil, hitting the pencil, dropping the pencil, eating the pencil.  His helpful conclusion was to immediately take the pencil in its packaging to the nearest Apple Store.  They would give me a working pencil.  Off I went to Fourth Street (Saturday afternoon means lack of parking, and a crowded Apple Store.). Eventually I found a parking space, and entered the store.  All these smiling young people in T-shirts and an ipad in their hand were helping customers.  At last a really helpful young lady asks what is wrong.  I explained the situation.  No problem, she assured me.. I followed her to the vicinity of the Genius Bar where she unpacked the pencil, puts it to a screen, and. ........ on the white screen 

Script appears.  Typed words appear.  A drawing appears.   

"Why was the tip removed," she asks me.  I told her this was what Adel and Jeff had instructed me to do.

So the 2 supposed genii helpers had given me the wrong advice.   AND - Adel never emailed me the other instructions.

Two days previously I called social security - I waited half an hour for my call, that was really important to them,  to be answered.  Of course they were experiencing an unusually high volume of callers.  But after it was answered - the woman helped me with my questions. She explained to me what I need to do after my move to Israel, and said she was immediately emailing two forms I would need.  I thanked her profusely and told her how much she had helped, we hung up after wishing each other good days, or evening, in her case.  

No emails followed.   

I called again - this time I waited almost an hour. I waited because I need this information. It is essential for my upcoming change of country.  When the call was answered it took a minute to explain what I needed and this woman immediately sent the emails.

So ---- all of the above is to explain why I am not experiencing unabated joy and light on this longest, hottest day of 2022.

A Rant

 I am on a rant - again.  Two days ago 21 school children and a teacher were killed in Uvalde in Texas. This evening on the news report the newscaster questioned some children who were in the classroom and survived, and some parents and she said "Tis is a community still in mourning ....." STILL what the hell does she think, they haven't even begun to process this horror - they are in shock - the mourning and anger and grief and disbelief only begin much later - and in fact, will never end. How dare she say STILL in mourning.

And the gun rights advocates ----- I have no words.

And then this morning (NOT mourning, morning) on one of my favourite NPR shows, the commentator had a program about the violence against minorities.  The Asian Pacific atrocities, the Black atrocities, and now all these children are from a predominantly Latino community  -  yes, all these communities have suffered hate crimes, shootings, etc. especially in these last dreadful two and a half years.  What she didn't even mention was hate crimes against Jews who have also suffered shootings, beatings, vandalism, etc.  Why is violence against Jews often not mentioned or written about?   I am sorry if I seem overly sensitive, but this omission in itself feels like a form of anti semitism.

EVERYONE is suffering - as white supremacy reigns.  Let us acknowledge this. 

Once Again

Almost a month since my last post ... hence the title.  Once again it has been a long time between posts, and I know how everyone is hanging on with bated breath, desperate for another entry.

For those of you who have read between the lines - yes, indeed, I will be leaving the US of A.  I have been here for 42 years!!!!! Longer than I have lived anywhere.  42 years of being ambivalent - or, a term I coined, 'trivalent' (South Africa, Israel, and USA).  I am sure that being ambivalent, or feeling torn, or not quite at home, is the lot of any immigrant - no matter the reason for their immigration.   

I rent an apartment.  My landlords, who are sometimes here, and sometimes in their other homes, returned for the summer about a week ago.  Although legally I have to give a month's notice,  I told them 6 months in advance. Apparently it was the push they needed - they have decided to sell this lovely home, and are in the process of looking into all that this will entail.  They have lived here 42 years - and they are from England.  I have South African friends who have lived here 30 years.  They too have decided to leave.

I alternate between being exhilarated and anxious!  I have begun the process of clearing out my physical space, which I did when I moved to my present apartment  six years ago!  Books, beads, yarn, paints, - I am just skimming the surface.  Quite alarming to realise what one accumulates, again and again and again.

And I am by no means a hoarder!!!

I have alternated the clearing process with goodbyes to dear dear friends.  Last week I spent in Texas - a guest of a most precious soul - days spent with food and wine and spirits of all sorts - and ..... yes to the disbelievers, I really had a great time in Texas!!!!! 

I ramble on ...........

Everything is Relative

 The following event happened on my recent trip to Israel.

I had taken the train to Tel Aviv to see a friend.  I left in good time to catch the last bus from Netanya to the Moshav my sister lives in.  I went via "Get Taxi" (Israeli equivalent of Uber) to the Hagana Rail Station.  From there I boarded the train for Netanya at 6.00 p.m.  All the passengers wore masks - under their noses, except for a young man sitting opposite me who wore his mask correctly.  It was beyond me to tell everyone to put their masks over their noses - they seemed to don them as a strange form of decoration that hovers above their chins.

The station names light up as the train nears each station.  After Binyamina I saw the next station was bound for Haifa, Hof HaCarmel.  It dawned upon me that I was not going to Netanya.  Who to ask?  I was not going to ask a chin-mask wearer, after all - Omicron and B-2 or whatever the latest mutation is, is raging.   Luckily the young man opposite still had on his mask.  He affirmed that I was not bound for Netanya and helpfully looked at his phone and told me exactly what to do.  To get off at Haifa, then go to Platform 2 for the train to Binyamina, and from there platform 3 for the train to Netanya.  I would get to Netanya ---- too late for the last bus so I would have to take a taxi.  I was somewhat put out. On the platform in Haifa I saw a very slavic looking man address the female Ethiopian inspector. Speaking english, he asked if the next train was to Ben Gurion (the airport.) She assured him it was. He then asked me if I was going to Ben Gurion - I told him I was not, but I was getting on the same train.  He asked whether I would sit with him. Then he said he is from Kyiv, and his wife had fled and was in Poland - Warsaw, he said. He was flying to Poland.  I sat with him until I had to get off and sent him blessings and good wishes and kind thoughts, and prayers, and on and on.  I thought I was put out by not getting my bus on time -  nothing at all.  

I got off the train and waved to him.   Then I took a taxi home.

In the Thick Of It

 Here I am, in Israel. I have been here for two weeks.  15 hours in a mask in a crowded plane is definitely not pleasant, but there were no incidences of air rage or even typical Israeli behavior.  The PCR test on arrival went without a hitch, and later that night I learned that I am negative and don't have to quarantine.  

Israel has experienced the coldest March in 70 years - cold, thunder, lightning, rainstorms, sunshine, wind, hail. The countryside is lush and green, carpeted in yellow daisies, poppies, lupine, the trees are in their full spring shades of pink, purple, and white glory. Birdsong fills the air, and toward dusk the jackals howl.

 Sometime into the end of the first, and the beginning of the second year of covid, and fires, and all the attendant upheavals, I made, for me, a momentous decision.  The time has come for me to return to Israel for good.  I have spent the requisite 40 years living in the diaspora.  It is time to come back. 

And so my sister and I have spent my time here looking at retirement homes and villages - what a way to spend a holiday!  In fact we have only looked at two places.  

There is one thing I have learned from my time on this earthly plane - when a decision is made from a place of clarity, the universe opens the necessary portals.

This entry is simply to keep you somewhat up-to-date  and much more will be forthcoming.

High Anxiety

 This morning, as is my wont - I turned on my radio - NPR.  Then I wonder why I turn it on - the ongoing horrors.  The ever worsening situation in Ukraine - China, Nato, Then I looked up covid requirements for my upcoming trip to Israel, and I remembered a film by Mel Brooks, High Anxiety, with an accompanying song.  Anyone else remember this?Please let me know, so that I can be assured that such a film was really made and viewed.

The travel requirements for Israel were a PCR test within 48 hours of departure.  Today it is 72 hours!!!!! Which is of course much better - but I do know I saw 48 hours a couple of days ago.

And my niece in Israel is not well - out of hospital today.  

Was it just 3 weeks ago that I was on a yoga retreat in Rancho La Puerta?  And did I blog about that retreat?  In my last entry I mentioned that I was going there.

I went and while there I realised that 4 nights and three days are certainly not enough time to decompress from these past couple of years - and it was in that time that the spectre of Putin's invasion of Ukraine loomed ahead. No one was quite sure it would happen, or rather, one hoped it would not happen, although it was quite obvious it would happen.

And I also discovered that I don't feel quite at ease with being around lots of people - certainly not at the airports, and not even around a horde of vaccinated, boosted people in a spa!!!!! At San Diego Airport I waited for the bus to Rancho La Puerta.  Because it was President's Day weekend there were throngs of people. Just a few steps ahead of me I saw a little girl of about 4, with a big backpack. Just behind was her mother, holding bags and parcels. I saw that a strap from one of the bags had wound itself around the little girl's neck, and it was tightening around her neck as she walked ahead of her mother. I told the mother what was happening and she immediately put out a hand to stop her daughter and remove the strap. The daughter began crying and the mother glared at me as if I had tried to strangle her daughter.  I am not sure whether she was exhausted, overwhelmed, scared of covid, or just a not nice person, but a smile or a 'thank you' would have been appreciated.

Not to say my time was not enjoyable - great yoga classes, in 3-D!!!! Good food, nice company.  Another reminder that life is to be spent in the moment.

Some Movement

 My state of suspended animation has passed - for no discernible reason.  It passed because all things pass; all states, all moods, all sorrows, all joys. Each and every moment.

And so it happened that one day I woke up, went for a walk, and shopped for food. Oh yes, and cooked.

Nothing new, nothing thank goodness, earth shattering. No fanfare, no trumpets.

And now I am planning to go away - the first time in two years. And the first time ever to a retreat center. Yoga, hikes in the moutntains, swimming!  Sounds quite lovely and very healing.

Today I finished a painting that I have been working on since last year.  A painting of one of my beloved landscapes - the Jezreel Valley.

Some movement.

And these are from yesterday's walk to Blake Gardens.  One of the exciting discoveries from my covid neighbourhood walks.  It is Magnolia time

Suspended Animation

I am in a state that is so difficult to describe. I am wracking my brain trying to find the right word, or combination of words.   I feel like I exist in a space of suspended animation, like  being in a glass of liquid without moving. I am neither sinking to the bottom nor rising to the top. I am not floating on my back, rather I am upright - just being in the liquid.  

Uninspired?  possibly.  Hence no blog, no art, no cooking even!  

What am I doing?  reading, walking, yoga, meditating, gardening, sketching

OK - quite a long list for someone who is uninspired.  Maybe that is enough for the time being, until a current comes and stirs me on.

A New Year

 My wish for the new year, and for those I care for, is_. 

May it not contain any surprises

May it be healthy

May it be peaceful

And most important

May we be able to comprehend the constant barrage of ever changing covid-19 rules.

Here is the first sunset of 2022