A Heavy Heart

 As I began to write this blog, Friday October 27, at 2.15, I was shaken by a loud explosion. No sirens, so this means it is not immediately close to us.  I turned on the TV - missiles in the Tel Aviv area, and a building was hit! An apartment building has been struck - 2 top stories are burning, residents are being rushed to hospital.

I have called this entry "A Heavy Heart" because for the last week or so my heart is heavy as I see and read of demonstrations around the world against Israel, against Jews, against the colonizing Israelis and persecution of Palestinians.  Just so anyone who reads this can understand - I have ALWAYS been against the occupation.  I am still opposed to the occupation.  There are many people in Israel who oppose the occupation and still, against all hope, want a two state solution.

 The 'woke,' self righteous, good people of the world, do NOT understand the very complex history of this area.  They should try to become a little more informed, and read about the colonial British, the partition, the wars between the Arab peoples.  It is not my place to write about this.  I just want to let everyone know that this is PETRIFYING and tragic for everyone.  We have nowhere to go.  Nowhere is safe.

This morning I went for a teeth cleaning in the small town of Even Yehuda.  The taxi driver who picked me up asked how I am. He said he is "excellent, as good as can be under the circumstances. I do not watch TV, I don't listen to each expert who knows better than the other what to do, I work and go home to my family, and pray."

Every small town and moshav now has a guard and gate at the entrance.  As we went through early, there were only a couple of cars going through. Everyone working in the dental ofice was polite and solicitious. They wished me a quiet shabat when I left. I went for a cup of coffee and all the waiters and counter people were helpful and polite and nice.  It is a different country since the war! I am not quite used to it. Before I reached the cafe a group of young boys, about 10, approached me and asked whether I would  buy a lemonade or cookie for the residents and soldiers in the south.  I said I would give them some money. I handed them the money and they said, "please, at least have some lemonade." They told me where the money was going. They were serious, polite and caring.

The taxi driver who picked me up to take me home apologised for being tardy - "there is a roadblock into town, only one and a (more explosions right now - Rishon LeZion) very long line of cars waiting to get through.  So stupid", he said, "a long line at the one entrance - we will all be killed together."  

On the way back we saw a miles long line of cars waiting to get through.  He pointed out the open fields on either side of the highway, "what is to stop them coming through in a truck and killing us all."

We are NOT living in comfort and peace and ignorance. We know what is happening in Gaza, we know what is happening in the north. What we don't know is what is happening next - a ground invasion? not? when? This waiting and not knowing is completely nervewracking.  Waiting for a war, waiting for missiles, above all, wanting, and waiting, and praying for the hostages to be returned.

To all you 'woke' people, try and understand that this story has many sides, an Apeirogon - it is a unending tragedy for everyone. 

Read "Apeirogen" by Colum McCann

The End of the World

Is this the way the world ends?  For us here it certainly is the end of the world as we knew it. It will never be the same - ever.

 Friday night - erev shabat.  A crescent moon shines in the darkening sky.  Night is falling.

Just two weeks ago, it was October 6, the 50th anniversary of the Yom Kipur War.  I went to the nearby mall - it was packed with people.  All the restaurants and cafes were full. The local humus restaurant is the friday meeting place for the young soldiers on leave.  They were eating, laughing, patting each others backs - young boys, identifiable as soldiers by their haircuts.  Young girls, so beautiful. They were in civilian clothing, the uniform of the young, denims, sandals, T-shirts.  I looked at them and hoped they will never know of war. 

Just two weeks ago, on Friday night, I decided to make dinner.  I haven't cooked during the summer because it has been way too hot and humid, but the weather was lovely two weeks ago.  I made dinner and invited my neighbours.  We ate together, had wine, and spoke of future plans. The one neighbour was going to Cornwall in a couple of days.  I was going to Egypt in December, and then a good friend planned to visit. Two friends, actually - one at the end of October, and one in December. The immediate future seemed as rosy as the wine we drank.

And then came Saturday.  And now we see the photos and names of the people who were slaughtered.  Facebook, social media,  newspapers, TV - photos of babies, young, beautiful faces, families, grandparents, never ever to smile again.  And there seems to be no end, each day more bodies are found.

Today I went to the mall which has been closed for about 10 days, other than the supermarket and the pharmacy.  Once again, it was full - except there were no young soldiers on leave.  Just families, children, vendors. By now I know lots of them -we greet each other, and I see that faces have changed.  Everyone has a look of fear, uncertainty, anxiety. We say shalom, we shrug - it seems that we all feel something terrible is coming.  Two weeks have been full of shock and fear, but worse is to come. A child came running in holding a balloon. It popped, for a second there was silence, then faces registered anger.  "Who the hell gives someone a balloon now?"

"Shabat shalom" we say to each other, shrug, and add, 'hopefully.'

The world as we knew it two weeks ago, will not be the same again - ever.  Maybe this is the beginning of the end.

Please Know

 I want everyone who reads this blog to know that Israel did NOT bomb the hospital in Gaza.  Immediately that horror happened it was broadcast around the world that Israel bombed the hospital. It was Al Jazeera who learned the truth - a rocket sent by Islamic Jihad that backfired!!!!!!!  And last night I listened to Christiane Amanpour on CNN.  She interviewed the Egyptian Foreign Minister on CNN.k. He said Egypt cannot take in refugees from Gaza - they have 9 million refugees or civilians from other countries.  They are supposedly taking care of Gaza.  No, they can't let in refugees, and while they spoke headlines by King Abdullah of Jordan stated that Jordan will not take in refugees from Gaza.  I am not going into this in detail, but it should be obvious that the Palestinians are a forgotten people by their brothers.  There are 60,000 Israeli refugees - from the north and south.  They are housed in kibbutzim, moshavim, hotels, settlements.  Volunteers are taking them food and clothing.  Therapists are working with them.

War is HORRIBLE, and terrible acts are committed by both sides, but please, don't be blinded by propaganda.  There are still enough reliable sources of information.

And pray for everyone.

Waiting For God

 I think that was the title of a BBC series set in an old aged home - a residential senior establishment, or whatever the euphemisms are, sorry can't think clearly these days.

Last night I experienced a breakdown of sorts - I was supposed to take a zoom yoga class, but I just couldn't do anything, other than lie on the couch and cry from time to time.  The atrocities, the uncertainty, the fear of what next, is hard to bear.  I managed to read my book  The Missing Sister, and I immersed myself in the troubled history and wars of Ireland, then went to  sleep earlier than I normally do.  I seemed to have a deep and dreamless sleep. As I normally do in the morning, after meditation, I opened the shutters and made a cup of coffee.  I turned the TV on, and listened to it in the background.  I had drunk just half a cup of coffee when I heard a siren.  I wasn't sure whether it was on TV or not.  I turned off the TV, and the siren continued.  I put the coffee down, grabbed a packet of kleenex, took my housekey and went to the shelter in a building close by.  Each floor has a shelter. Of course I went to the shelter on the ground floor. On the way I saw my Arab cleaning lady run out of the house she was cleaning, and beckoned to her to come. She went to another building, closer to where she was standing.

If it hadn't been so damn scary, it might have been like a hilarious scene from Waiting For God.  A couple sat there quietly, then a delightful old South African woman came in on her scooter, pushed by her Phillipino helper.  A young Sri Lankan woman looking after a demented lady came in holding her hand.  The woman was in her dressing gown and she looked around at everyone and smiled, "Why are we here," she asked. "Did someone die?"  The South African woman had left her bottom set of teeth in her shower. Her helper was crying, and we put our arms around her and told her to sit between us.  "Come," said the half toothless woman, "sit between us old ladies, it will be alright."  We heard explosions, (those who could hear), but determined they were not in our immediate vicinity.  After 20 minutes that seemed more like 3 days, we left. I returned to my half cup of coffee and finished drinking it with shaking hands.

THIS IS NOT FUN.

50 Years and One Day

October 6th, 1973 - Yom Kipur, Saturday

October 7th, 2023 -  Simchat Torah, Saturday

October 6th, 1973 - Attacked from all fronts, soldiers fight 

October 7th, 2023 - Terrorists infiltrate from the south - innocent women and children, old and young - slaughtered, hounded, abducted

Once again, I am at a loss for words.

A country and its people in shock.  This has never happened before. This will not end tomorrow.  Planes and helicopters overhead.  Supermarkets empty because people have bought food to send to soldiers. The reservists don't have food!!!!!! Hundreds of citizens at the side of the roads giving out food as soldiers go to the north and the south.  The number of the dead and the wounded rises by the hour. The names of the soldiers whose families have been notified are read on TV - their names, their young age, girls and boys. Terrible heartrending wrenching interviews on TV with family members who hid, who lost partners, fathers, grandparents, who are still in hiding, as the terrorists came into their homes and settlements. A nature 'rave' of young, hopeful, optimistic people, celebrating music and each other, slaughtered, their bodies on the ground, some abducted, wounded.  Horrors upon horrors of scenes that defy imagination.

Where I live the shelters have been 'aired' and stocked with chairs, mattresses, and water. We all know where to go, and what to do, and for how long to stay in the shelters. Everyone here has grandchildren in the army, some had grandchildren who attended the rave. Some have already been informed that their grandchildren have been killed or wounded.

I went to the nearby mall - all the shops and restaurants are closed.  Only the supermarket is open, and very empty.  The Arab woman who works there and has so helped me in my state of culture shock, came to me and we hugged each other. She patted me on the back "it will be OK, everything will be OK."

Shift

 I often find that I experience certain inner events or feelings that I cannot express in words. I feel that words establish boundaries and limits on my inner experience.  So I cannot neither vocalise nor write about them. With that understanding, I write the following events.

As I wrote in the previous entry, I decided to the kibbutz for Yom Kipur.  The day before I was due to arrive, my friend phoned to ask what time I would be getting there.  She also said, "bring your bathing suit."

"What pools are open on Yom Kipur?" I asked.

"The pool on the kibbutz, of course" she replied.

With those words I experienced a kind of deep and hitherto unexpressed inner movement.  

She had not been in the country on that Yom Kipur.  She was traveling around America.  Those of us on the kibbutz had gone to the swimming pool on the Yom Kipur of October 6th 1973.   At 2.00 p.m.  exactly, two Mirages screeched overhead, leaving long white tails in the clear blue sky.  We all commented on how odd this was on Yom Kipur.  A day of no radio, no news, no transport, no cars, a quiet day.  And then, just after the planes, the father of the friend who wasn't there rode toward us on his bicycle, his transistor radio in his hand.  He said to us "there is a war, Israel has been attacked from all sides, go to your rooms."  And as one body we rose and went to our room (mine and Rafi) because everyone knew where he was in the army, in the Sinai desert.  We taped the windows and put buckets of sand inside the small bathroom, and then we went to the dining room to bring back eggs, milk, and cheese, so we could make a cheese cake.

And last week, when she suggested we go to the pool,  I suddenly felt something move inside of me. Something shifted and moved, and lifted, as if on wings that spread open and upward.  I would go to the pool, and then, later in the day, just before Neilah, the closing of the gates, I would go to the cemetery to say goodbye, finally, and let us both fly free.

And so I did just that.

Sunday/Rosh Hashana

 Firstly, to everyone, a sweet and fulfilling new year.

This card is from a painting I did.  I took a photo of the painting and edited it to make this card.  Once I completed the painting I obliterated it with a few coats of gesso, so that I can reuse the board.  

Today is the second day of Rosh Hashana.  The only holiday in Israel that is celebrated for two days, and because the first day was Saturday, today is Sunday so it feels like a normal weekend (normal, that is, for those of us who remember having two day weekends.)

And, as with everything this past year, it wasn't quite the Rosh Hashana we had planned for the family - but I apologise as I cannot go into details.  However, we did the best we could to mark the new year.

And, of course, next weekend is Yom Kipur. It is 50 years since The Yom Kipur War - the War which changed my life, and the lives of countless people, forever.  I have blogged about this incessantly over the years. Because it is 50 years, the TV stations are showing endless discussions and clippings of the war.  There are interviews with the commanders and generals still alive, and the soldiers who survived.  Endless discussions about the mistakes that were made.  The film about Golda is now on the circuit. I am not watching anything on TV, nor will I see Golda.  I will go to the kibbutz for Yom Kipur. 

May this year 5784 bring a ray of hope to all the people on this planet, and to our beloved planet itself.